Is Love Enough?
When couples come into therapy, they often start by saying, "We love each other, but..." That "but" is a powerful marker of where things have gone awry. Relationships take work, and no amount of romantic love or passion is able to replace the teamwork and communication that is required for a healthy relationship. There is, however, a light at the end of the tunnel: People can change, communication can improve, and love can transpire into something more stable and long lasting. In this blog post, we will explore what a healthy relationship needs when love alone just isn’t cutting it.
Different Stages of Love
In couple’s counseling, clients often learn something about the stages of love from an attachment perspective. These stages may give couples insight into what is natural for them to be experiencing at any point throughout their relationship, and serve as validation for any highs or lows that come as we get closer to our partners. Below I’ve highlighted these stages, as well as when in the relationship they typically show up.
The Euphoric Stage (6 months – 2 years)
Typically, couples in the early stages of a committed relationship are experiencing the ecstasy that comes with finding your person. Your brain is releasing feel good hormones when you’re with them, which, on a biological level, serve as a push to procreate with them (which is part of why sex in the early stages is typically so frequent!). Often referred to as “the Honeymoon Phase”, these blissful times serve to allow us to look past pretty much all of our partner’s flaws. Things like their loud chewing, snoring, or the stray hairs they leave all over the bathroom are easily permissible, because the rest of our brain is thinking “I can’t believe I found someone so perfect for me”! Yes, this romantic love stage is bliss, but it’s simply not sustainable. Eventually, we need to return to a state of homeostasis in order to get back to placing importance on the other things in our lives, like our career or our friendships.
The Early Attachment Stage (1 – 5 years)
By this point, you really get each other. The love you feel for each other has deepend, and you genuinely have gotten to know each other on another level. You’re likely feeling grateful to be so seen, and while you’re becoming more aware of your partner’s faults, you’re still able to look at their positives first. You’ve probably returned to your schedule now that your brain isn’t filled with excitement and giddiness. The best way to summarize the early attachment stage is to say you’ve grown to feel comfortable – in your relationship, and in your routine.
The Crisis Stage (5 – 7 years)
This is the “make–or–break” point in many romantic relationships. Something is bound to show up that threatens the relationship at some point, and when it does, couples are faced with the choice to split up or overcome it together. This crisis could be anything; Infidelity, career change, or even just the feeling of drifting apart. The bottom line is that couples who choose to separate at this stage likely do so because they are aware that love is not enough to keep a relationship going.
The Deep Attachment Stage (7+ years)
If a relationship survives the crisis stage, the couple has made the intentional decision to work through a problem using more than just love. These not-so-secret weapons are what picks up the slack when love is not enough. Next, we will be learning about the vital tools we need in our relationship tool kit to build something that lasts.
When Love Isn’t Enough
Humans can be stubborn. We want to make good decisions, and often, we try to make things work in order to validate our choices. Relationships are no different. There are certainly things that can’t be fixed in a relationship, but the biggest predictor of relationship success is commitment. If you can both commit to making it work, you’ll be a force to be reckoned with when trouble shows up. Here are some things you can both commit to in order to make your relationship rock solid in the face of adversity.
Respect
This seems obvious, but respecting your partner is a major key to making it work. You may be thinking “I love them, so I obviously respect them”. However, love and respect are not synonymous. Effort needs to be made in order to treat our significant other like our equal. It’s often easy to allow yourself a little criticism here and there, but too much can damage your relationship beyond repair. Recognize your partner’s strengths often, and remind yourself that their weaknesses make them human. It’s okay to wish they were different, it’s not okay to demand them to be for your sake alone.
Effective Communication
There will be times when love gets set to the backburner. Choices like having kids, buying a house, or moving states can cause immense stress and can severely interfere with our ability to connect with each other. It is so, so important to have effective communication tactics for when times get tough. Honesty, open mindedness, and the ability to empathize can be critical to keeping the relationship at peace when the rest of our lives are in chaos.
Trust
Trust is another foundation of a healthy relationship. Many people automatically think of fidelity when trust is mentioned in a relationship – making a vow to always be monogamous, and never veering from it. However, there are many styles of open relationships, or couples who have worked through infidelity that disprove this notion. Trust is all about consistency. Over time, trust can be rebuilt, as long as we commit to making it work.
Intimacy
Intimacy can be embodied in many ways, through sex and physical closeness, or through sharing a moment of silence with each other every day. However intimacy looks for you, make sure you’re committed to incorporating it into your relationship. Intimacy is a foundation for closeness, and gives people a feeling of security and togetherness. Identify what you can do, even in the busiest of times, to incorporate intimacy into your day-to-day lives.
Conclusion
In conclusion, while love serves as the foundation of any romantic relationship, it alone is not enough to sustain the partnership through life’s challenges. Relationships thrive when couples intentionally nurture them with respect, effective communication, trust, and intimacy. These elements help transform love into a resilient, enduring bond that can weather the inevitable storms of life. By recognizing the natural stages of love and committing to the necessary work, couples can create a partnership that grows stronger and deeper with time. Love may ignite the spark, but it’s the effort and dedication that keep the flame alive.