How to Prepare for Couples Counseling
Couples counseling has been given a pretty bad rap in the past. It has been made to seem like an option only for those who are teetering on the edge of a divorce, or following a major infidelity. Even now, as the negative perception of therapy in general has begun to improve, the media still mainly shows couples in crisis when entering a therapeutic space. In reality, couple’s counseling doesn’t need to occur only on the precipice of disaster, and can instead be a very thoughtful and intentional choice made when the relationship is going well. The decision to get couples counseling can feel like a big step, and can become a viable option at any number of relationship checkpoints. Whether you’re in the midst of a relationship crisis, wanting to strengthen your bond, or improve your sex life, entering therapy together is a powerful way to invest in your relationship and meet your goals.
If you and your partner are ready to take the next step in bettering your relationship, it may be useful to know what you can expect from sessions, and the best ways to prepare. This blog post will highlight both to help you get the most out of your couples counseling experience.
What to Expect from Couples Counseling
Several of my individual clients have expressed to me that, regardless of how comfortable they feel in individual counseling sessions, they are intimidated by the idea of attending couples counseling with their partner. I get it! It can feel overwhelming to imagine disagreeing with your partner in front of a mental health professional; showcasing to an expert what we think of as our most shameful, low moments in our relationship. You’ve probably heard it before, but I’ll say it again: Therapy is a judgment free zone.
Your therapist will not be offput, surprised, or tell you to break up with your partner if you show up authentically and give them insight into just what may be going on behind closed doors. Pettiness, ruthlessness, and anger can get brought out the most by the people we are closest to. Resentment may have been building up for years, or maybe you’re both triggered by one another’s attempts at communication. Regardless, we don’t expect you to always be your highest self when you show up to couples counseling. On the contrary, it might actually make it harder for us to gauge just what needs to be worked on if you’re only on your best behavior in session.
When entering a couples counseling space, you can expect your counselor to start by setting ground rules for communication. As an example, I tend to enforce a safe space where there will be no yelling, criticizing, or name-calling. The counseling space is intended to provide an environment where communication can be improved, and disagreements can be worked through with an unbiased third party as a mediator. In general, this creates an opportunity for couples to process feelings and work through them, all while learning relationship-strengthening skills for conflict, communication, and boundary setting.
Now that you have a sneak-preview of what to expect from a session, we will get into the best ways to prepare so you can get the most out of your experience.
Ways to Prepare
Set Goals Ahead of Time (and Be Honest!)
You’ve made the decision to commit to the relationship and seek a professional’s help; The last thing you want is to hurt one another when setting goals. However, it’s extremely important that you are able to be honest with yourself about what needs to be done to make the relationship work for you. If you’re feeling shy about talking specifics with your partner ahead of time, you’ll likely have an opportunity to fill out intake paperwork specifying what it is you want to work on in therapy. Be honest! Examine the things that may be hard to discuss, they likely come closest to the real issues at hand. Your therapist will help to create a safe space to talk about hard things in session later on.
Manage Expectations
Therapists are not magicians, couples counseling is not a quick fix, and a session is not about finding out who’s "right" or "wrong." Instead, couple’s counseling is a process of understanding and growth that requires time and effort from both the counselor and the clients. Progress may not always be linear, and that’s okay. It’s important to approach therapy with patience and an open mind, knowing that meaningful change happens gradually. If there are issues that feel urgent to fix, make sure to mention them to your therapist. They can help to create a feeling of security that may make the process feel less stressful.
Be Ready to Listen
Couples counseling isn’t just about airing your grievances—it’s also about truly hearing each other. Active listening is a skill that takes practice, and therapy is a great place to refine it. Come prepared to listen without interrupting or defending, and try to understand your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Remind yourself that you’re listening to understand, rather than listening to respond.
Commit to Vulnerability
Vulnerability is a challenging and necessary part of effective communication. Without it, getting to the root of conflict becomes impossible. Working on accessing vulnerability will deepen your relationship not only to your partner, but to yourself. Remember that vulnerability is not about pointing fingers or placing blame, rather, it is about sharing the impact your partner’s actions may have on you and why. Being vulnerable allows your partner to access empathy and make changes out of care for you, rather than out of shame. Overall, vulnerability brings about longer lasting and more impactful changes in healthy communication.
Stop Keeping Score
Relationship conflict can often feel incredibly divisive, and has a tendency to bring out our defensive sides. Proving yourself “right” in an argument or conversation can often serve as a subconscious validation of your own intelligence. However, it’s important to be aware of the harm this behavior can cause. When we’re focused on proving a point, we aren’t paying attention to how our partner feels on the other end. We may shame, blame, or criticize them until we feel sufficiently heard. We often end up hurting our partner, not out of a desire to be cruel, but out of a need to be validated. If we can let go of the defense mechanisms and lead with our desire to feel heard, we can finally pave the way for mutual understanding. Everyone makes sense; Your partner’s argument doesn’t have to be correct to be valid. Seek understanding instead of keeping score, and your therapy sessions will become all the more rewarding.
Prepare to Do the Work
Therapy doesn’t stop when you leave the session. On the contrary, much of the growth that comes from therapy occurs in the days between sessions. Your therapist can provide you with a safe space for an hour a week, but it’s important to commit to creating safe spaces at home or out in the world with your partner if you want to see improvement(s) in your relationship.
Be Open to the Process
Finally, trust the process. Therapy can bring up unexpected emotions or reveal insights you hadn’t considered. It’s okay if things feel a little messy at first—that’s often a sign that you’re digging into important work. Embrace the journey, knowing that the effort you’re putting in now can lead to a stronger, healthier relationship in the future.
Final Thoughts
Therapy isn’t about fixing one another, proving who’s right or wrong, or placing blame—it’s about fostering mutual understanding, learning how to navigate challenges as a team, and creating a foundation of trust and respect. The more open and honest you are, the more you will get out of the experience. It’s also crucial to remember that the real work happens outside of the therapy room. Applying what you learn in sessions to your daily interactions, practicing new communication skills, and making a conscious effort to support one another will help reinforce the positive changes you’re working toward.
At the end of the day, couples counseling is not just about overcoming problems but about strengthening your relationship as a whole. Whether you’re addressing long-standing conflicts or simply looking to build a deeper connection, taking this step together is a sign of commitment and care. If you approach the process with curiosity, patience, and a willingness to grow, you may find that therapy not only improves your relationship but also helps you understand yourself and your partner in ways you never expected.