5 Benefits of Premarital Counseling
What is Premarital Counseling?
Premarital counseling is a form of couples therapy done before marriage, with the intention to prepare the relationship for success and longevity. Most modern relationships are serious and intimate for a significant time before marriage. Still, the commitment of being legally and spiritually tied in marriage leads couples through unique obstacles. It also presents a period of life transition, which can be difficult to navigate in any circumstance. Premarital counseling provides a safe environment to work through these challenges with the bountiful toolbox of a good therapist.
The idea of couples therapy is unsettling for many people. It is commonly believed that entering couples therapy means there is a huge problem to work through, or that the relationship is bound for disaster. In reality, couples therapy (like individual therapy) can be a powerful tool for preventing intense issues before they happen. Premarital counseling can provide strong couples with specific tools to make small improvements to their communication and emotional intimacy. These small improvements will work together to strengthen the foundation, allowing couples to enter marriage feeling lighter, more joyful, and more confident!
Premarital counseling has gained popularity among young couples. Millennial and Gen Z couples attend premarital counseling far more than earlier generations. Stigma around mental health treatment overall has decreased in recent years, and young couples are more open to therapeutic interventions. Queer young couples are increasingly attending premarital counseling, as they often lack examples of healthy, longstanding marriages in which they can see themselves. Premarital counseling provides a safe place to shed societally enforced ideas around the roles of husbands and wives, and allows for couples to set relationship parameters that work for them.
Understanding the benefits of premarital counseling can help you and your partner decide if it should be a part of your wedding planning journey.
#1 - Improves Communication Skills
To maintain emotional safety in our intimate relationships, we need to feel heard and understood by our partner. When our partner (intentionally or not) dismisses, misunderstands, or invalidates our emotions, it can hurt more deeply than in other contexts. You can likely think of a time when a communication breakdown had a negative impact on your relationship. Premarital counseling can help partners identify their current communication styles, gain confidence in areas of success, and learn effective techniques for clear and compassionate communication.
When couples have been operating without adequate communication tools, they may find there are unresolved past issues lingering in their present relationship. Through premarital counseling, couples can use their improved communication skills to process the past and move forward confidently. Similarly, when individuals lack effective communication tools they might hold things back, avoid painful conversations, or release emotions in unwanted ways. This can lead to an issue building up in one partner’s mind, leaving the other partner in the dark. Premarital counseling encourages honesty and transparency so couples can resolve these challenges together.
#2 - Identifies and Addresses Potential Problems Early
Beliefs and expectations about spousal roles and marriage vary greatly from person to person. What may be a “red flag” to one person, could be a non-negotiable must-have feature of marriage to another. We receive messages starting in childhood about what marriage is and what it should look like. Often, we unconsciously create mashed-up conclusions and carry them into our own adult relationships. Leaving these beliefs unsaid can mean carrying potential problems further into the future. This can allow the consequences of incompatibility and unrealistic expectations to intensify.
You may have questions for your partner that you are unsure how to put into words, or that you fear will cause conflict.
What expectations do you have for married life?
What defines cheating/infidelity in our relationship?
How will we handle times of financial hardship?
What style of parenting do you see yourself implementing?
Premarital counseling is a place to bring these challenging topics to light. Discussing these potential problem areas in advance of the marriage allows each partner to fully express their needs, gain clarity about their partner’s needs, and make informed decisions.
#3 - Facilitates Future Planning and Goal Setting
You have at least one shared goal with your partner - you’ve decided to get married! You might have established more shared goals around career aspirations, family planning, travel, physical health, etc. Consider how it feels to know you and your partner are on the same page about this goal. You may be flooded with feelings of joy, anticipation, and connection. Now, consider an aspect of the future you have not planned with your partner and you may feel differently. You might begin to avoid these topics, make guesses about your partner’s feelings, imagine a future plan in your own mind, or feel insecure from lacking insight into your partner’s desires. With the guidance of your premarital counselor, you can both experience accountability and excitement around the many facets of your shared future.
The unknown can be scary, which encourages our human minds to make assumptions. Many aspects of marriage are unknown until we experience it for ourselves. Shared goals and future plans become a framework for partners to consistently make decisions that align with themselves, their partner, and the family they are creating.
#4 - Enhances Emotional Connection and Trust
Approaching vulnerable topics with your partner can feel daunting, frustrating, and even shameful. When we let these emotions stop us from being vulnerable with our partner, we miss out on the opportunity to deepen emotional intimacy. The benefits of addressing important issues far outweigh these preliminary discomforts. Through the important work in premarital counseling, couples can strengthen their emotional bonds, build mutual respect, and promote shared decision-making. This contributes to the emotional safety of both partners, and can create a setting for deeper, more fulfilling conversations among couples. When couples spend the time and effort it takes to deepen their understanding of each other, stay present throughout painful conversations, and practice functional relationship habits, they can improve their relationship in delightful ways.
#5 - Provides Professional Guidance and Prevents Dysfunctional Patterns
Chances are, you can quickly identify the top few things that spark conflict in your relationship. You are almost certainly aware of the ways your partner contributes to conflicts, and you may be aware of your own contributions as well. When conflicts (and related emotions) escalate, we usually behave, speak, assume, and react in ways that we can’t notice on our own. Family and friends may offer opinions and ideas, but these come with their own biases and preconceived ideas about the couple and marriage in general.
A premarital counselor can serve as a mirror to help us gain the insight we need to get out of dysfunctional cycles, and work towards resolutions. Premarital counseling can help identify what behaviors you are engaging in, what messages these send to your partner, and how it impacts your conversations and the relationship as a whole. These insights can help us transform unhealthy relationship habits and guide couples towards peaceful and joyous relationships.
Conclusion
Premarital counseling is an important part of wellness for all couples. By improving communication, addressing potential problems, planning for the future, and enhancing emotional connection, couples can head into their marriage feeling united and established. Your therapist can help you understand the nuances of what’s happening in your relationship by providing a trustworthy outside perspective. Through premarital counseling, you can experience peace and understanding in your relationship beyond what has felt possible on your own. You can achieve both day-to-day cohesion, as well as confidence in your long-term relationship success. There is a lifetime of deep connection and pure joy ahead of you! Prepare your relationship for this abundance by clearing the way through premarital counseling.