Identifying and Addressing Double Standards in Relationships
By Tess Brieva, MSW
Navigating relationships involves compromise, understanding, and mutual respect. However, when double standards enter the dynamic, they can erode trust, intimacy, and overall relationship health. A double standard is defined as a set of principles that applies differently and usually more rigorously to one group of people or circumstances than to another. In relationships, double standards occur when one partner imposes different rules or expectations for themselves and their partner, creating an imbalance. Recognizing these inequities is vital for fostering a fair and loving connection.
Double standards can manifest in various aspects of daily life, from financial decisions to emotional support. While occasional discrepancies are natural, persistent patterns can leave one partner feeling undervalued or controlled, harming the relationship’s foundation.
Feminist History and Double Standards
Historically, feminism has highlighted inequities in domestic roles, where women were often expected to shoulder the majority of household and caregiving responsibilities while being denied recognition or financial independence. Gendered expectations in relationships, like condemning women for behaviors considered acceptable for men, have also come under scrutiny. Today, feminism continues to advocate for dismantling these imbalances, urging partnerships to embrace fairness, mutual respect, and equality as foundational principles. Understanding this history provides crucial context for identifying and addressing double standards in contemporary relationships; particularly for recognizing how societal oppression of identities based on sex, race, gender, size, ability, can seep into interpersonal relationships. Importantly, the ideals of equality and equity that feminism stands for exists in relationships regardless of gender – double standards can occur in any dynamic.
Signs of Double Standards in Relationships
Double standards can range from unintentional, sub-conscious reinforcement of norms (e.g., payment expectations) to controlling, belittling patterns (e.g., financial abuse). Recognizing double standards requires attentiveness to emotional and behavioral cues:
Feelings of Confusion and Unfairness
Societal Expectations Accepted as Normal
Defensiveness and Resistance to Change
Power Imbalances
Emotional Abuse and Control
Loss of Confidence and Self-Worth
Examples of Double Standards in Relationships
Finances and Household Responsibilities
Transparency in Expenses and Spending Habits: One partner demands complete disclosure of spending while being secretive about their own financial choices.
Managing Household Chores and Parenting Duties: Unequal distribution of responsibilities often places an undue burden on one partner, leading to resentment.
Financial Expectations: Traditional norms, like expecting men to always pay for dates or significant expenses, can perpetuate imbalances.
Social and Personal Dynamics
Unequal Expectations in Friendships: One partner may criticize or restrict the other’s friendships, particularly with opposite-sex friends, while maintaining their own without scrutiny.
Double Standards in “Me Time”: One partner may feel entitled to personal downtime while dismissing the other’s need for relaxation or hobbies.
Privacy and Disclosure Imbalances: Expectations of complete transparency from one partner while withholding personal details creates an uneven playing field.
Physical Appearance and Behaviors
Weight, Fitness, and Diet Expectations: Criticizing one partner’s physical appearance while excusing or ignoring their own.
Criticism and Humiliation: Masking hurtful comments as “jokes” about appearance or habits.
Gendered Attitudes Toward Sexual Behavior: Judging one partner’s needs or desires while ignoring the role of self-awareness and safety in sex.
Conflict Resolution
Communication Imbalances: Using the silent treatment or stonewalling to avoid accountability while expecting open communication from the other partner.
Defensive and Retaliatory Tactics: Turning arguments into blame games or exploiting insecurities to gain the upper hand.
Exploitation of Power Dynamics: Leveraging control over resources or decisions to maintain dominance.
Harms of Double Standards
Double standards don’t just create short-term frustration; they have lasting impacts on relationship health:
Erosion of Trust: Unequal expectations make it difficult to build mutual respect and trust.
Emotional Rollercoaster: Living with constant unpredictability leads to anxiety and insecurity.
Vulnerability to Abuse: Persistent double standards may escalate into controlling or abusive behavior.
Addressing Double Standards in Relationships
Recognizing Double Standards
Double standards in relationships can create significant stress and imbalance. It’s essential to identify whether behaviors contributing to these inequalities are intentional or unintentional. This awareness helps determine if change is possible or if these patterns are too deeply ingrained to adjust. Manipulative behaviors, such as defensiveness, blame-shifting, or guilt-tripping, often surface when discussing fairness. Recognizing these patterns can be a vital first step in addressing and challenging inequities that undermine trust and respect.
Communication and Resolution
Effective communication is crucial in addressing double standards. Calmly and clearly expressing concerns fosters mutual understanding and opens the door to resolving issues. Setting boundaries is another essential step to protect emotional well-being and prevent recurring harmful behaviors. Both partners should actively work toward compromise, striving for solutions that respect and meet each other’s needs. A commitment to equity and open dialogue lays the foundation for healthier dynamics and long-term relationship satisfaction.
Professional Help
When double standards persist despite efforts to resolve them, professional help may be necessary. Couples counseling can provide valuable tools and insights for navigating power imbalances and fostering healthier interactions. However, if efforts to address these issues repeatedly fail, it may be time to consider the relationship’s viability. In situations involving toxic dynamics or abuse, support resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can offer guidance and assistance. Prioritizing safety and well-being is essential when evaluating next steps in such relationships.
Conclusion
Double standards are an inevitable challenge in relationships, but addressing them proactively fosters equality and respect. By striving for fairness and integrity, partners can build healthier dynamics rooted in mutual trust. Open communication, self-awareness, and professional support are invaluable tools for navigating these challenges. Remember, prioritizing self-care and emotional health strengthens not only the relationship but also your sense of self-worth.