Growing Up in the Shadow of Alcohol: Healing as an Adult Child
If you grew up with a parent who struggled with alcohol, you know the way it shapes a home. Sometimes it’s loud and chaotic. Sometimes it’s quiet and unpredictable. But it always leaves its mark. Even in families that looked “fine” from the outside, there were often rules everyone followed without speaking: “Don’t talk about it. Don’t trust too much. Don’t feel too deeply.”
I work with many adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs), and one of the most powerful truths I can share is this: you are not alone, and your experiences are not random. Growing up with a caregiver who has a substance use problem can impact almost every corner of life including mental health, relationships, even the way we understand ourselves.
How It Shapes Us
Many ACOAs are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and difficulties in relationships. These patterns aren’t signs of weakness. They are the result of growing up in a system where the people who were supposed to provide safety and consistency sometimes couldn’t.
Which parent was drinking matters more than we might think:
When mothers struggle with alcohol, it can disrupt early attachment and emotional security. These early bonds, especially in infancy and childhood, are critical for learning how to regulate emotions and trust others.
When fathers struggle with alcohol, children may experience more externalizing behaviors in adolescence such as acting out, aggression, or identity conflicts. The father’s role as protector and authority figure can become complicated, leaving children unsure where to place their trust.
For some, both parents struggled, creating a home life that felt like constantly scanning the weather for an oncoming storm.
The Invisible Jobs We Took On
Many ACOAs become “parentified children”, taking on adult responsibilities far too early. You might have been the one who comforted siblings, mediated conflicts, or managed household tasks. Maybe you learned to read moods like a weather radar, always preparing for what might come next.
For women, this often looked like caretaking and absorbing everyone’s emotional needs before your own. For men, it often looked like emotional avoidance or aggression because vulnerability wasn’t safe or modeled.
These roles helped you survive as a child. As an adult, they can feel like heavy armor you can’t take off even when you want to.
Relationships and Connection
Growing up in an unpredictable or emotionally unsafe environment can shape the way you connect with others. You might have learned to be highly independent and avoid relying on anyone. You might find yourself monitoring other people’s moods to prevent conflict. You might say yes to things you don’t want to do because keeping the peace feels safer than speaking up.
These responses are not flaws. They were strategies that helped you navigate your childhood. The challenge is that they can also keep you from building the kind of relationships you truly want now.
In ACT, we look at whether these patterns move you toward or away from the connections you value. Together, we explore what it would look like to respond in a way that reflects the life you want to create, rather than the one you had to survive.
Finding Healing
One of the most encouraging things I’ve seen in my work is the role of community-based support like Al-Anon and ACA. Both Al-Anon and ACA offer a space where you don’t have to explain why you feel the way you do because the people there have lived it too.
Being part of a group like these can:
Reduce anxiety and depression
Strengthen coping skills
Improve relationships
Help you set and maintain boundaries
Help you recognize patterns you want to change
Remind you that you’re not alone in your experiences
Therapy can be another safe container. In my work, I integrate Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) with a humanistic and existential approach. That means we look honestly at your history, but we also focus on what you want your life to stand for now. We work on making choices that align with your values rather than old survival patterns.
If This Is You
If you see yourself in these words, here are a few truths to hold onto:
Your feelings make sense. The anxiety, the over-responsibility, the mistrust—these are normal responses to an abnormal situation.
You didn’t cause it, and you couldn’t control it. Your parent’s drinking was never your fault.
You can rewrite the story. Healing is not about erasing your past. It’s about loosening its grip on your present.
A First Step
If you’re not ready to sit in a group or start therapy, try this. Write down the roles you played in your family growing up. Then ask yourself: Which of these still serve me? Which ones am I ready to set down?
That question alone can be the beginning of change.
Healing as an adult child of an alcoholic takes time. Every step you take toward self-understanding, toward healthier relationships, toward living in alignment with your values, is a step toward freedom. You are more than the story you were handed. You get to decide what happens next.
If you’d like to talk about working together on this journey, my door is open. You don’t have to keep carrying this alone.