Kids or No Kids? Making Peace with Your Decision
Revisiting the Big Question: Should I Have Kids?
To have kids or not have kids? That is the question that is plaguing a lot of individuals and couples alike. It is a decision that has become even heavier as humans navigate the ever-increasing cost of raising children, a tumultuous political climate, and the anxieties of a warming planet. While there are traditions and values that still encourage growing families, this is ultimately a decision that you have to make. If you have not looked at part 1 of this blog, go back and read through that first as it will give you a good foundation of questions to explore and reflect on by yourself or with your partner. In the second half of this blog post, there will be more exploration around different scenarios that could make this decision more difficult and how to ultimately make a decision without regret.
Mental and Physical Health Considerations
If you get to a point where you decide children are what you want, there are many mental and physical health pieces to take into account. Firstly, checking for fertility, whether the pregnancy is high risk and physical health of the person carrying the child can be emotionally taxing on that individual. Knowing what to expect, in the realm of your control, can be beneficial as a way to weigh whether carrying your own child makes the most sense for your family. Additionally, the pregnancy journey as well as the postpartum period is very different for each individual. Mental health issues can arise with the stress and guilt of becoming a “new parent” which again, can be a part of the conversation when deciding to have a child. Having a conversation around if mental health issues can arise during this time is a great way to ensure you have considered all possibilities and what makes sense for your family. In today’s world, there have been a lot more resources and treatment around helping new parents navigate the postpartum period so acknowledging that it could be a reality is important.
Considering Fertility Struggles and Alternatives
If you have experienced fertility issues, have you considered alternative paths in the road to having a child? Going through fertility struggles can create a lot of grief and pain for parents so taking the time to mourn the ideas, hopes and dreams of a “naturally conceived” pregnancy will be a priority. Talking through the emotions that comes with it, whether it’s by yourself or with your partner will allow you to take everything into consideration when deciding your next steps of having children.
Processing Birth Trauma and Pregnancy Risks
If you have experienced a traumatic birth, medical issues while giving birth or a traumatic pregnancy, there might also be a question of “Do I want to risk going through that again?” especially if you had previous dreams and hopes of multiple children. Changing what the priority might be will be a very difficult yet important conversation to have with yourself and/or your partner. Understanding the risks of going through another pregnancy as well as understanding the loss associated with deciding not to carry anymore children. It can create a lot of guilt for the one carrying as well as a lot of self-blame between the individual and their own body. When going through any trauma, especially pregnancy/birth trauma, trying to process your emotions will be a priority in ensuring that you can feel okay with the decision you make moving forward. The top two types of therapy that have been proven to be helpful when processing birth trauma is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy which utilizes bilateral eye movements as a way to reprocess trauma memories. The second type of therapy is Trauma- Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) which utilizes cognitive challenging and reframing as a way to alter beliefs about the birth experience. Obviously every individual has their own unique story so acknowledge this when looking for a therapist and ensure that you are having a conversation about a treatment plan that is unique to you in order to get you to feel okay about whatever decision you make moving forward.
Reducing Regret in the Parenthood Decision
As you take into consideration everything that has been covered so far, many individuals want to make a decision without having any regret; “What if I change my mind? What if I change my mind and it’s too late?” - These are the kind of questions that I want to normalize that many individuals and couples ask when exploring the decision of becoming a parent. Here are a few key points to consider to reduce regret when making a decision:
Have you been able to think about this decision for you? When taking away family, friends and community, being able to sit with the decision of having children or not, what emotions show up? When experiencing those feelings, write down what shows up so that way you can discuss it with your partner and/or therapist. Ultimately, you are the caretaker of this child so ensuring that you have positive emotions associated with having a child is important to reduce regret.
What is in your control? This is something that needs to be kept in mind when making decisions around becoming a parent. Knowing that several factors won’t be in your control is important to ensure that you are keeping your expectations realistic but also allows you to be honest with yourself of what you are wanting. For example, if you are wanting a sibling for your current only child, understanding that it is out of your control whether or not your current child will be close with a future child. Acknowledging here that maybe you want to ensure that your only child has community is more important as a value in exploring growing your family.
Regret is normal - What if’s are not helpful when it comes to making a decision this big. However, be gentle with yourself in understanding that whatever choice you make, there will be grief around not choosing the other choice. Be honest with yourself of what made you choose this path originally and understand that you made the best choice you could with the tools you had at that moment.
Focusing on your values - Being able to focus on your values and what brings you joy can lead to your inner self behaving in a way that aligns with what is most important to you in this life. Values can shift depending on the people we meet so acknowledging too that we are constantly needing to take a look at what our values look like throughout our life.
Final Thoughts: Finding Clarity with Compassion
Ultimately, answering these questions that lead up to “Is parenthood right for me?” will feel heavy and overwhelming at times. There is no universal “right” answer, only the “right answer” for you and your partner. So try to start a conversation about what is important to you and utilize inner-reflection to understand what you want your future to look like. Understand that there will be self-doubt, questioning and even regret, however, be patient with yourself and lead from a place of self-compassion. If it starts to feel too overwhelming, therapy can be a great place to unpack what you are feeling and thinking, so let therapists at Balanced Awakening be the clinicians that works alongside you in your journey of deciding if parenthood is right for you.