Kids or No Kids? Untangling the First Big Questions
The Big Question: Should I Have Kids?
To have kids or not have kids? That is the question that is plaguing a lot of individuals and couples alike. It is a decision that has become even heavier as humans navigate the ever-increasing cost of raising children, a tumultuous political climate and the anxieties of a warming planet. While there are traditions and values that still encourage growing families, this is ultimately a decision that you have to make. This post will explore the different internal and external factors that can be considered when deciding to have children and how you can give yourself grace by allowing yourself to live in the “gray” area.
Exploring the Emotional Reasons for Wanting Children
Taking time to make this decision will allow you to explore if this decision ultimately aligns with your values and wants or if this doesn’t. To do that, let’s first start by exploring the emotional piece of wanting children; why do you want children? Exploring the values behind having children is something that a lot of people get caught up on. “I want a family”, “I want a sibling for my child” or “I want the family that I didn’t get growing up”, etc. All of these are valid statements but there also needs to be this perspective of the motivation behind it making sense for you. One of the things that I have talked about with clients is, are you wanting to grow your family unit or are you craving community? It might sound a little blunt but it’s a question that helps you understand that we might have needs that can’t be solved with having a child or that need blinds you from the cost of having a child. Additionally, do you feel like you are in an emotionally stable place that can foster the growth of a child? It is okay if you are not and potentially exploring if you will ever be is something to consider. Having a child or multiple children is the most stressful job in the world because taking care of another human being is difficult beyond measure. So ask yourself, am I okay with taking on that responsibility? Am I okay with the idea of taking on that stress?
Considering Parenthood as a Couple
The previous questions are something to consider on an individual level but if you are in a relationship, your partner might also have some answers to these questions. As you come together to explore this decision around kids, being curious about what parenting styles you resonate with, what communication would look like when dealing with children as well as what roles you would each take on might feel overwhelming. Breaking it down on your own can be a great first step. By answering some of these questions as journal prompts, it will allow you to explore rather than feel pressured to answer one way or another:
What kind of parenting approach would you take if you had kids?
How did you grow up and would you want to replicate your own parents’ approach?
How do you deal with conflict within your relationship?
What roles do you believe that each parent takes on? Are you rigid in these beliefs?
Once you have had time to think about this and communicate it with your partner, creating a list of fears surrounding having kids or not having kids is also a great question to ask before making a decision. It allows you to be honest with yourself and with your partner about those fears and whether your fear is driving that decision. Knowing what your motivations are for having or not having kids is important despite it being a very difficult conversation.
The Financial Realities of Raising Children
One of the biggest factors that go into deciding to have children is the financial reality of where you are at. Understanding that there are costs associated from the moment of conception, is it realistic for me or my partner and I to financially support another human being? Does it make sense for me? This can also be a very difficult question to answer considering that you might have to make compromises around what you are spending money on. This leads to asking yourself - “Am I willing to compromise my lifestyle that I currently have in order to have a child?”. What a heavy question to ask because there is this external pressure from society that humans “should” be selfless around this question. I’m here to tell you that it is okay to say that you are not willing to change anything about your life currently in order to financially support a child. That doesn’t mean you are “selfish” or a “bad person”. It means that you are human with priorities outside of having a child.
Imagining Your Life 5–10 Years Ahead
This leads into the next question of what you imagine your life to look like in the next 5-10 years. When thinking about having a child, the lifestyle you will hold will shift from where you are now so are you prepared for that change? Some pieces to take into consideration are the following:
How much do I value my career? How will having a child impact work hours? Do I have the financial resources to provide daycare for my child?
What does my support system look like? If I am having a hard time or needing extra support, do I have a community in my life that could help with my child?
Am I okay with having less “alone” time after my work day? How do I feel about reducing my time with hobbies and friends in order to focus on raising my child?
When considering these questions, it will bring up an important conversation with yourself about your values. Ensuring that your behaviors align with your values, are you making this decision with those values in mind? To reduce inner conflict, there has to be an alignment that if you want children, you are raising them with those values, and that there is no regret around the decision that you have made. The regret is something that many people get stuck on so stay tuned for more on that later in part two of this blog post.
Final Thoughts: Your Decision, Your Choice
With all of these questions in mind, use this as a self-guide or guide with your partner to have open conversations around what you want your future to look like and whether that includes entering parenthood. This is a very divisive topic where on average 45% of women and 57% of men in the US say they want kids (2023, Pew Research). With that kind of split, there will be so many opinions from the outside that are coming in so being able to explore this on your own will be important. Utilizing therapy as that space to process and decide might be the right decision for you and Balanced Awakening can help with that. We would love to help you make this decision for you and only you as there is no right or wrong answer, only your choice!