Why Couples Therapy Doesn’t Work with a Narcissist
If your social media feeds are anything like mine, you’ve probably noticed the growing trend of blaming bad behavior on narcissism. While Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is relatively rare—diagnosed in only 1-2% of the population—narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum. As I often tell my clients, diagnoses are based on a collection of symptoms and traits, and narcissism can be a personality trait rather than a full-fledged disorder.
We all have ego-driven moments (hello, adolescence!), but some people consistently struggle to connect with the empathy and compassion necessary for a healthy relationship. In this blog post, we’ll discuss those impacted by Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but don’t be surprised if you find some of this information relatable, even if your partner isn’t officially diagnosed. Narcissism, as a trait, can still create significant challenges in relationships, even without a clinical diagnosis.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, you know how disorienting and exhausting it can be. You may have tried everything—setting boundaries, improving communication, and even suggesting couples therapy—only to find yourself stuck in the same frustrating cycles. Unfortunately, traditional couples counseling is often ineffective when one partner exhibits narcissistic traits or has full-blown NPD. In this blog post, we will outline how to identify a narcissistic partner, and why couple's counseling might not work with one.
What a Narcissistic Partner Looks Like
Understanding what a narcissistic partner looks like can help you identify unhealthy patterns early on. While narcissism exists on a spectrum, here are a few common traits of a narcissistic partner:
Lack of Empathy: Narcissists struggle to truly understand or care about their partner’s feelings, needs, or desires. Conversations often revolve around their needs and perspectives, leaving the other person feeling invisible.
Constant Need for Admiration: Narcissistic individuals crave attention and validation. They may constantly seek praise or admiration from their partner and others, often over-exaggerating their accomplishments or exaggerating their perceived importance.
Manipulative Behavior: Narcissists can be highly manipulative, using charm or guilt to control situations. They may twist facts or guilt-trip you into getting what they want.
Blaming Others: Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their own mistakes. They will often deflect blame, claiming they are the victim, or suggesting that the problem is your fault.
Entitlement: Narcissistic partners believe they deserve special treatment. They may disregard your boundaries, demand excessive attention, and have an inflated sense of their own importance.
Emotional Unavailability: Despite their often dominant presence, narcissists are emotionally distant and avoid vulnerability. They may dismiss your emotions as irrelevant or unimportant.
If your partner displays these behaviors regularly, it may be a sign that they are exhibiting narcissistic traits. Recognizing these behaviors can be crucial in understanding why couples counseling may not be effective and why individual therapy might be a better option.
Couples Therapy Requires Accountability—Which a Narcissist Avoids
A core principle of couples therapy is that both partners acknowledge their role in relationship dynamics and take responsibility for change. But narcissists are masters at deflection. Rather than engaging in honest self-reflection, they shift blame onto their partner, minimize their own behavior, or twist the narrative to make themselves the victim. If one person in the relationship refuses to take accountability, therapy becomes an exercise in frustration rather than progress.
Narcissists Manipulate the Therapy Space
In a healthy therapeutic setting, both partners should feel safe expressing their emotions and concerns. However, narcissists often use therapy as another stage for manipulation. They may charm the therapist, distort reality to suit their version of events, or even weaponize what is discussed in therapy against their partner later. Instead of fostering healing, therapy can become another tool for gaslighting and control.
The Focus Becomes Fixing the Non-Narcissistic Partner
Because narcissists are skilled at shifting blame, therapy sessions may become centered around the non-narcissistic partner making changes to “accommodate” the narcissist’s needs. The therapist, if not trained in dealing with personality disorders, may inadvertently reinforce the narcissist’s narrative, leaving the other partner feeling unheard, invalidated, and even more confused.
Narcissists Fear Vulnerability and True Change
Effective couples therapy requires emotional vulnerability, self-awareness, and a willingness to change—three things a narcissist actively resists. Their sense of self is built on maintaining control and superiority, so admitting fault or showing emotional depth feels like a threat. Even if they appear cooperative in therapy, it is often superficial, aimed at maintaining their image rather than fostering genuine growth.
When Therapy Becomes a Tool for Abuse
In some cases, couples counseling can make things worse. If a narcissist learns the language of therapy, they may weaponize it to further manipulate their partner. Phrases like “You’re not meeting my needs” or “You’re triggering my trauma” can be used in bad faith to justify controlling or harmful behavior. The more insight they gain into their partner’s emotions, the more effectively they can exploit them.
What to Do Instead
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and struggling, individual therapy can be a more effective path forward. Working with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse can help you rebuild self-trust, set boundaries, and make informed decisions about your relationship.
If your partner refuses to acknowledge their harmful behaviors or consistently manipulates therapy sessions, it may be time to reassess whether the relationship is truly serving you. Healing is possible, but it often begins with stepping out of toxic cycles rather than trying to repair what is fundamentally unfixable.
Final Thoughts
Couples therapy can be a powerful tool for many relationships, but it is not a cure-all—especially when narcissistic abuse is involved. If you’ve found yourself walking away from therapy sessions feeling even more confused, invalidated, or blamed, you are not alone, and are likely trapped in a cycle that many have found themselves in when in relationship with a narcissist. Therapy should be a space for healing, not another battleground for manipulation and opportunity to be right. Seeking support for yourself, rather than the relationship, might be the best option in moving forward with your own emotional safety in mind.