(Re)Creating Connection
By Brianna Beck, LPC, ATR-P
It’s been nearly two years since the world stopped and the pre-pandemic life we once knew faded away faster than we could grasp. Since March 2020, we have been in a constant state of flux, uncertainty and survival. While 2020 brought us intense emotions such as fear and grief, 2021 has left us with feelings of stagnation, disappointment, and emptiness. I continue to hear from clients in my work and from those in my personal life (and yes – me too!) that they are lacking a true sense of authentic connection within their social world as 2021 draws to a close.
It’s important to name that we have all experienced a significant amount of ambiguous loss from rituals to routines to relationships. Ambiguous loss is unique in that it's a loss that's not clearly defined and therefore lacks closure. It encompasses the feeling of not fully understanding or making sense of a reality that we did not choose to create. It can leave us in a traumatized state of “freeze” or as the widely circulated New York Times article by Adam Grant claims – languishing.
As much as I love working with clients in individual therapy and believe the work can be highly beneficial, I have to be honest and say that individual therapy can be limiting when it comes to dealing with the ambiguous loss from a natural disaster or collective trauma like the pandemic. Because Covid left us with a feeling of collective loss, the most transformative kind of trauma therapy is the therapeutic experience of healing in community.
Wired for Connection
Without a social network, we quite literally would not survive. On a neuroscientific level, we are hard-wired to experience empathy, attachment, and security in groups. Our relationships have indeed suffered over the past two(ish) years. And since we are hard-wired for connection, this is a significant change to our entire sense of existence.
It’s true that some of our relationships have grown - perhaps with those we live with or those we chose to create a Covid “pod” with, however, many relationships have become more distant and some have paused all together whether it is due to lack of communication, lack of energy, illness, differing beliefs, or even the passing of loved ones. Some people I talk with are even grappling with how the pandemic revealed that some of their relationships were not all that authentic to begin with.
Now What?
First of all, compassion for ourselves and others is key here. We have all experienced the pandemic in dramatically different ways and are going to need differing amounts of time and space to recover and reconnect. Our social lives are in need of a reboot and knowing where to begin can be daunting. One piece of good news is that there is nothing like a shared once-in-a-generation event to unite us in an emotional experience.
Another thing to remain hopeful about is that many of us are feeling more open to new and deeper relationships built on vulnerability and true emotional connection than ever before. It’s beginning to become more apparent that the life we knew prior to Covid may never come back in the exact same form (and again, it so important to name this monumental loss and the fact that the pandemic continues to linger). However, we are now in a place where we can create a new way of being, and with that, a new way of being together even if the actual act of doing so feels outside of our comfort zones.
(Re)Creating Connection
Creating authentic connections with others can oftentimes be easier said than done. In fact, many folks I know say that making true friends is harder than dating – and they’re not wrong! The “rules” and roles within friendship dynamics can be much more open-ended than romantic relationships. Creating authentic relationships (especially new ones) as an adult can be a challenge due to our fears of being vulnerable, the stress of day-to-day life, and even our ability to simply let go and PLAY with one another like we so easily did as children. So how do we break out of our fears and become more open to building meaningful relationships?
For the purpose of this blog, I am going to focus on offering helpful suggestions for recreating connection either with new people or with people that have become distant over the pandemic. As an art therapist, I will be offering several suggestions rooted in creativity, but this is not just because the arts are a personal passion of mine. The science behind creative expression suggests that the arts engage our hearts, bodies, minds and souls. Creativity has a universal appeal to elevate empathy, compassion and connection in relationships, but also can be a unifying force to decrease social barriers on a societal level. Art also requires vulnerability, which, although fraught with risk, is the true key to connection.
If you are need of some practical ways to (re)create connection, here are a few ideas:
Sketch your Environment
Several weeks ago, I attended an outdoor “creative aging” festival that featured several booths where artists offered attendees the opportunity to create their own artwork. One of the artists I met, Shruti Vijay (@shrutivijay), considers herself to be an urban sketch artist. In the simplest way, Shruti offered participants sketching pens, paper, a clipboard and the opportunity to let go and sketch your environment. Participants were hesitant – “what if it looks bad?!” they said. But the point of sketching is that it is an interpretation of something. It is yours and yours alone. It can be messy and abstract. It doesn’t have to be a realistic drawing. Many people asked for pencils and erasers, but Shruti reminded us that using a pen helps you to stop worrying about potential mistakes and just go for it.
The act of sketching in public is certainly vulnerable, especially if you do not consider yourself “artistic.” However, doing this creates an opportunity for you to not only observe, engage, and connect with your world in a new way, but it inspires others to do the same. A good approach to this is to carry around a small sketchbook and pen in your bag wherever you go. You can sketch on the train, in a park or in a coffee shop – just sketch what interests you and document these memories in your book. You may have people approach you and ask what you are up to - and this could lead to a new connection.
Send Mail Art
If you’re like me, you may have not seen some of your close friends in a long time. Whether this is due to long distance, safety measures or just overall exhaustion, it can leave us fearful that these connections will fade away for good. If picking up the phone or making plans feels hard or is impossible right now, sending a piece of snail mail is a lovely way to remind someone that they are an important part of your life and that you are thinking of them. This could be in the form of a written letter or even a small piece of art you create. One idea is to purchase a pack of postcards and embellish or revamp them with collage art, paint, or markers. A simple message on the back of “thinking of you” goes a very long way in rebuilding a connection. Plus, actually creating the art or writing out your feelings is nourishing for you in and of itself.
Create Your Holiday Gifts This Year
Along the lines of creating artwork to send, think about how you can create some holiday gifts this year instead of purchasing them. Do you knit? Play an instrument? Enjoy cooking or baking? Photograph your world in a unique way? The act of gifting someone with something you create is powerful. It is giving a part of yourself and showing that you invested time and energy with someone specific in mind.
If you are someone who is more of an “acts of service” type of person, offer to help someone clean their home, watch their dog or buy them groceries. Offering to ease our loved ones’ day-to-day life stressors is a way to show them care and better understand life from their perspective. This also creates the opportunity for your loved ones to offer these things to you in return when things get stressful on your end.
Create an Abstract Artwork as a Group
If you feel safe to gather indoors with a group of friends and/or family, try this simple art directive. Put a large drop cloth on the floor (buying a large roll of white paper works as well) and for about 30-60 seconds, have everyone scribble freely all over the surface with a thick black sharpie marker. You can do this all at the same time or have one person go at a time. The idea of this is to create an abstract series of lines for you to then add color to.
Then, using either paint, crayons, markers, pastels – whatever!, begin to fill the shapes inside the lines with colors and/or designs. Don’t be afraid to all move around the surface and play off of what others have created. As strange as this may sound, this process creates a truly beautiful, collaborative work of art and elicits a feeling of true connection and flow with one another. You can hang the work in a common space or cut the work into small pieces to take home and frame. See below for a photo of when I tried this with my own friends:
Attend an Artistic Venue or Event Alone
Attending an event alone can feel daunting. We often avoid going to concerts, movie theatres, or art galleries by ourselves because most people tend to go with another person or group. Though sharing in the arts with people we are close to can be a wonderful experience, there is also something special and empowering about going alone if you can’t find anyone to go with you.
For example, a friend of mine recently decided she would still go to a concert in the city where one of her favorite artists was performing even though she couldn’t find anyone to go with her. At this concert, she ended up dancing in the crowd with others who came alone and made a handful of new friends who loved the same music she did. Even if you don’t end up forming new friendships at a concert or other event, you are still connecting to the artist, the music, the film, etc. The arts are born from the stories of others and just by observing it we can feel more connected to something bigger than ourselves.
Or...Just Be Honest
After so much time and distance between us, reconnecting may feel like a long shot or even just tiresome at this point. Maybe replying to emails or texts right now takes more energy than before as pandemic burnout continues to plague us. Maybe you are tired of virtual meetings or video calls and that’s the only way connecting feels safe right now. This is okay and you are not alone.
Even if a lot of time has gone by since you last responded to a text or reached out to a loved one, don’t be afraid to just say what’s on your heart when you have time and space to reply or reach out. For example, you could send an honest text that says something like, “Hey, (name). I am so sorry so much time has gone by without us communicating. The pandemic has been hard for me and I don’t have much energy to give at the moment, but I want you to know I think of you a lot, and that I am so excited to spend time with you again when I am in a better space.”
Sharing your truth with someone creates an opportunity for them to share theirs in return, which creates a true sense of connection. This is a simple act with a lot of payoff. It can stop us from feeling anxious that important relationships are now gone and create a precedent that you will get together again one day. You may even learn that others are struggling more than you realized, which can lead to less feelings of isolation.
If you feel ready to get back out there and reconnect, I hope these creative suggestions have inspired you to connect in ways that are unique to you, your personality, energy and needs. If you are not quite ready to get back out there, I hope you found my words validating that you are not alone. I wrote this piece because I, my clients, and my loved ones are struggling with this very thing right now. Re-connecting and re-establishing a new equilibrium individually and collectively will take time - so be patient with yourself and be patient with others.
