What Does It Mean to “Process” in Therapy? A Metaphor
What Does “Processing” in Therapy Actually Mean?
Has anyone ever told you it might be a good idea to “process that” in therapy? You knew they were probably right but you had no idea what that actually meant or why it was important. Well, you are definitely not alone. The word “process” is often tossed around with little to no explanation about what it looks like to process emotions, memories, thoughts, or feelings with a therapist and why and when it might be helpful. As a visual learner and processor, metaphors have always been helpful for me to better understand something that once felt vague. To help explain the abstract concept of processing in therapy, I use the closet of our minds metaphor.
The Closet of Our Minds
Each experience, thought, or emotion that once deeply impacted us but doesn’t get resolved either through integration into the present day or appropriately moving through the stress response cycle, is stored away in the closet of our mind. At the time of this thing happening to us, we may not have had the resources, support system, capacity or knowledge to fully experience this thing and move through it in real time. So into the closet it went, because that is what we needed to do in that moment to remain safe. I want to emphasize that putting items into the closet is most often a survival skill that we do not need to shame, but rather be grateful for and curious about. The emotion, experience, thought, or memory may have been far too dangerous to face directly, so putting it in the closet was our way of protecting ourselves in the best way we knew how.
What Happens When the Closet Gets Too Full?
Over time, however, that closet may fill up. It may become cluttered and chaotic with an array of different items, many that we have forgotten are there, many we wouldn't dare pull out for fear of an avalanche. So we keep adding to the closet, because it is familiar and because it has worked in the past. Eventually, the closet door becomes more and more difficult to shut. It takes tremendous effort to jam that door closed as each new item is added. Until eventually, we are body slamming the door shut, harming our bodies, distressing our minds, maybe even interrupting our relationships as all of our energy is devoted to quickly adding items to the closet, keeping a close eye on that door so it doesn't erupt, and keeping others out of the room completely so they aren’t harmed if it does.
How Therapy Can Help You Begin to Process
Rather than slamming that door shut one more time, we can choose something different. We can call on a person that we trust deeply, one we know will not judge us for whatever is in that closet. Together, we can gently and slowly open the closet door, starting with just a sliver, being supported through the fear and hesitation that may arise. Together, we can avoid moving too quickly as to be trampled by what’s within, but rather pay respect and compassion toward each item at your own pace. Having the safety net of another person, someone who is experienced in supporting folks as they open their closet door for the first time, can give us the reassurance that we can close the door back up again when we need to and we no longer need to do it alone.
Making Sense of What We’ve Stored Away
As we take an item out of the closet with the support of this trusted person, we may begin to get curious about a few things. We may spend time noticing what happens in our bodies and minds as we experience this item. We may remember what it was like when we first put this item in the closet. We may explore how it helped keep us safe before and we may show it gratitude and compassion for doing so. We may ask our present selves how it still is or is not serving us as we may be older, wiser, and with better support and resources. Over time, we may learn how to tolerate the discomfort of such items and become appreciative rather than critical of them so that we no longer need to put them immediately into the closet when they appear. We can begin to acknowledge them in the moment and guide them to their appropriate place and role in our home (our body) so they can serve their function without overtaking the entire system. This intentional act of slowly spending time to get to know each item allows us the space, insight, and autonomy to then determine how we want to move forward. The purpose isn’t to throw any important items away, but rather to get to know them, thank them for serving you in the past, make sense of them in the context of today, and then behave with more capacity and agency.
Processing Doesn’t Mean Getting Rid of the Past
Placing items into the closet because we don't have the resources or support to deal with them in the moment can be an effective safety mechanism in the short term that should not be disregarded. However, doing this over and over again may fill up the closet until one day, we place one more item in there, the hatch on the door breaks, the items come rushing out into the rest of our house, and it all happens too fast for us to handle alone or call for help. Alternatively, we can notice that there is pressure on the closet door (or a loved one notices how we or they are being impacted by this pressure) and we can make the decision to reach out for help. We can be supported as we crack the door open and begin processing one item at a time at our own pace until the closet feels less cluttered, our bodies feel more at peace, and our minds feel more clear. This is therapeutic processing.