Why Feeling Safe With Your Therapist Matters More Than Getting Advice
The process of starting therapy is a markedly different one compared to other forms of help-seeking and medical treatment. While it’s undoubtedly important to feel respected and listened to by other providers, such as your primary care physician or your dentist, the process of establishing care with them does not typically involve paying attention to the quality of your relationship. The hierarchy is typically more straightforward: they are the doctor, you are the patient, and you are paying for their medical expertise and treatment.
It can be common to initially view therapy the same way. You have a problem, so you seek help. You might expect that help to include advice and solutions. For example, if you are experiencing more anxiety and are unsure how to manage it, you may expect your therapist to tell you what skills to use and when. While you might feel a bit better after learning those skills, you could miss out on what else therapy can offer.
Why the Therapeutic Relationship Matters
Therapy is fundamentally unique in that the quality of your relationship with a therapist can directly affect your experience of healing. The connection between a therapist and their client goes by many names: the therapeutic relationship, the therapeutic alliance, the working relationship. This rapport is characterized by empathy, non-judgment, and mutual respect, and serves as a foundation for collaboration and trust.
We are rarely afforded the opportunity to have someone be present with us, listen attentively, and accurately understand what we’re going through. Consider a time when fear of judgment prevented you from being honest, vulnerable, or reaching out for help. This experience is often too common and many people have experienced it with a healthcare professional.
Being a consistent, grounding presence is how a therapist earns your trust, not necessarily through the techniques they use or the advice they give. That trust sets the stage for healing and personal growth.
How Attachment Shapes Our Relationships
Attachment describes the capacity to form deep bonds with others, typically thought of as attachment figures. Psychologist, John Bowlby, posited that infants’ early relationships with their original caregivers formed a foundation for future relationships. Ideally, a person has a positive experience with their caregivers, receiving proximity, support, and comfort in times of need which builds a sense of security. They come to believe that others can be safe, reliable, and supportive. However, if early experiences teach you that your needs will not be accurately understood or met by those around you, you could develop a different view of people: that they are not to be trusted, that their intentions should be questioned, and that their actions make you doubt whether you deserve love and respect.
Attachment theory and its styles have become popular topics and buzzwords in the world of pop psychology. "Are you anxious, avoidant, or disorganized? Is it possible to have secure attachment when you grew up with another style? Take this quiz to find out.”
While social media posts and infographics can help us develop a basic understanding, they often lack the nuance necessary to understand what it’s like to actually build secure attachment.
What Does Secure Attachment Actually Look Like?
A person with secure attachment usually views themselves and relationships in a more positive light. They believe their needs are important and can regulate their emotions when life gets stressful.
Secure attachment does not mean a relationship feels comfortable or free of conflict all the time. In fact, an important part of secure attachment is the ability to acknowledge your role in problems without defensiveness and work toward a solution without feeling the need to assign blame. When life gets hard, those with secure attachment are able to balance caring for others, such as their partner, without neglecting their own needs.
Can Your Attachment Style Change?
Attachment styles are not a fated way of interacting with others for the remainder of your life. The good news is that attachment can change over time with the right people and the right conditions.
This is called earned secure attachment. People with earned secure attachment typically look quite similar to those with secure attachment; the main difference is that people with earned secure attachment had more difficult, or insecure, early attachment experiences.
How a Safe Therapeutic Relationship Can Help
Therapy is an excellent place to explore attachment styles. Because of the importance of the therapeutic relationship, the therapist can serve as a secure base during your work together.
Experiencing a person who cares for you and is safe, reliable, and attentive to your needs can offer a corrective emotional experience. This kind of experience usually occurs when you are faced with a situation similar to a painful one in your past, and the therapist offers a new, healthy response. It can help rewrite past scripts for relationships and offer a safe place to explore your sense of engagement with others and autonomy.
Therapy Is More Than Getting Advice
Therapy at its core is a relational experience, much more than “getting advice” for your problems. Regardless of your therapist’s orientation or treatment style, whether it be CBT, DBT, or psychodynamic to name a few, the level of trust and safety established in the therapeutic relationship is ultimately what leads to meaningful change.
It is normal to want advice, answers, and direct solutions. Our brains love when things are straightforward and easily categorized. However, life is usually more nuanced and many things live in the grey area. In therapy, exploring that with a sense of curiosity and security becomes possible when you feel safe with your therapist.