The Necessity of Failure: Cultivating Resilience in the Face of Challenge
Why Failure Feels So Personal
A few months ago, I attended an introductory course for archery. This was a one-off class that I assumed would be a fun weekend activity to try something new and interesting. Leading up to the lesson, I felt excited at the prospect of trying my hand at a new skill. Maybe this was a hidden talent? Maybe I could take up archery as a regular activity? The positive anticipation of the class lasted up until the actual day, and when we stepped into the training facility, I was fairly confident that just maybe, I could be pretty good at this.
We learned how to hold the bow appropriately, string our arrows, and fire. The first few attempts were intended to simply hit the target on the other side of the room. Slowly, as everyone got more accustomed to shooting, the instructor placed smaller targets for us to hit, things like paper plates and balloons. I hit one paper plate and then missed every target after. My fellow classmates seemed to be outpacing me with each step.
All the while, I felt a sense of defeat growing larger within me. This activity that I had been so excited for, I was not good at. My mind quickly turned towards the extremes: what is the point of doing something if I can’t be good at it? I left that class feeling embarrassed of my performance, embarrassed at my seemingly foolish confidence going in, and saddened by the outcome of it all.
How We Learn to Define Failure
I am confident that many readers have encountered the feeling of failure before. In its simplest form, failure is a “lack of success.” When we do not succeed, we encounter failure. Our earliest memories of failure often stem from environments like school or sports, where the lack of success is most tangible and concrete: an “F” on a paper or the missed goal in a soccer game.
Inevitably, over time and life experience, the concept of failure becomes more complex. We feel like a failure for sleeping in, missing that exercise class, eating too much or too little, or in the way our relationships evolve or end. At its most severe, we can sometimes begin to view the entirety of our lives and selves as a failure. Quickly, the quality of our life becomes measured by our degree of success in every imaginable aspect.
Why Failure Is Unavoidable
The hardest part about failure is that it is unavoidable; it is physically and mentally impossible to succeed in everything. Therefore, the question becomes not “how can we avoid failure?", but “how can we interact with failure in a meaningful way?” Failure arises when we have expectations of ourselves and others, and when our expectations are not met, we are left with the gap in-between. How do we reconcile with the feeling of disappointment that lies within that gap?
Expectations vs. Hope
When we think about failure, we can also think about expectations. When I entered that archery class, I was expecting to be somewhat skilled at this new activity. When I was confronted with evidence to the contrary, it created a strong sense of personal failure. The desire to succeed is important and often necessary for motivation. However, the act of hoping for success is different from that of expecting success. Expectation assumes success, whereas hope desires it. Hope inherently accepts a greater degree of uncertainty. Expectation is “I will succeed,” whereas hope is “It would be great to succeed, but nothing is guaranteed.” Hope comes with a level of flexibility and forgiveness that expectation does not grant us.
How Failure Builds Resilience
The feeling of hope is a fundamental building block for resilience, which allows us to adapt and grow in the face of adversity. To be clear, resilience does not mean that we are unscathed by the negative experiences that we go through or that we should intentionally put ourselves through situations that are overwhelming and harmful. Instead, resilience is having faith that the things we have been through and will go through in the future will contribute to our overall strength and character. There is a famous saying, “Resilience breeds hope,” meaning the ability to withstand hardship allows us to understand our strength. We can then use that strength to build hope for the future. In this way, perhaps feeling like we have failed in life is necessary, because it allows us to continue trying. And when we continue trying, we continue learning.
Practicing Failure in Everyday Life
Minor challenges, like my archery class, may allow for the perfect environment to practice imperfection and failure in a safe, controlled way. Several weeks later, I enrolled in a wheel-throwing ceramics class, knowing I would inevitably face similar challenges, and I did. Ultimately, we will all fail, in both tiny and major ways, throughout our lives. The important part of failure is accepting that it will happen, allowing it, embracing what it can do for us, and using it to strengthen our hope.