Pleasure Isn’t a Bonus—It’s a Birthright: Deconstructing Guilt Around Feeling Good
For many, the complication around pleasure is that they have been made to believe that it is conditional. The belief that pleasure must be earned, deserved, or justified—not simply felt. Little secret? Living in a world of “must” will consistently keep things out of reach. That is a tough world to live in. Pleasure does not need to come after sacrifice, suffering, or proving yourself. It is not something we have to negotiate for—which many have been taught. Reality? Everyone has access to pleasure. For free.
If you feel guilty for prioritizing your well-being, whether it's taking a midday bath, declining another project, or choosing joy amidst others' suffering, understand this: you are not broken. You are simply conditioned.
Historically, religious conditioning has played a large role in the denial of people accessing sensual or sexual expression outside the constructs of marriage and procreation. This innately regulates pleasure, and diminishes power. Denying people access to their bodies and desire is a way to control them—especially Black, queer, disabled, or femme bodies.
Patriarchy, too, is another construct that dominates conditioning. Male pleasure has been centered while positioning everyone else’s desires as a secondary concern, or even threatening. In a patriarchal society, those who identify as women are allowed to be sexy but not sexual, allowed to be available at others beck and call but not needy, desirable but not desiring. It's a double bind. A bind that produces shame and guilt for even wanting pleasure, let alone pursuing it on your own terms.
In a capitalist society, pleasure becomes even more complicated and hard to access. Capitalism emphasizes productivity over embodiment. You know what thrives on disconnection? Grind culture. Culture that says rest and slowness, and especially pleasure, are best ignored in favor of urgency. It says if you’re not constantly doing, there must be something wrong with you.
Pleasure and Productivity: The False Binary
We’ve been tricked into believing pleasure and productivity are at odds, and that sensuality is a distraction. Yet, accessing pleasure replenishes and reveals. What makes you feel good tends to lead you right to what makes you feel whole. Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of Come As You Are, reminds us that pleasure activates the parasympathetic nervous system—the part of us responsible for healing, digesting, and feeling safe. In other words: pleasure is medicine.
The truth? Pleasure is generative—not selfish. You know what else? It doesn’t have to be sexual to be radical. It can be a slow breath or a deep stretch to root you in your body. Music that makes you want to move your hips. Think of pleasure as reconnecting you to aliveness through micro (and yes macro) moments that rewire your relationship to your body and create a sense of safety inside yourself. From that aliveness, we create. Art, boundaries, babies, businesses. Intimacy. Clarity. Pleasure is the original blueprint.
So no, you don’t have to “earn” your way to feeling good. You have to return to it.
But What If I Still Feel Guilty?
You’re not weak for struggling with pleasure. Remember, most of us were not taught how to access it without shame. We grow up in homes and intuitively pick up on messages that sex is bad, sensuality is dangerous, and that your body is not your own. And many marginalized folks—especially Black women, queer folks, and survivors—were socialized to be caretakers, not receivers.
To be clear, sometimes these messages aren’t actually meant to cause harm. They serve to protect. Like your parents policing your clothes, or making sure you come home when the street lights come on. The desire is to protect. Yet, however safe keeping that protection can be, it can also serve as imprisonment, building walls around you that disconnect you from your body.
Adrienne Maree Brown, author of Pleasure Activism, writes that “to experience pleasure, we have to feel safe. But safety doesn’t mean control—it means presence.” And Dr. Lexx Brown-James, a Black sex therapist, often names the same tension: that pleasure, especially for those raised in survival mode, can feel unsafe at first—but it’s also a way home.
So what does the work look like to release guilt? It lives in unlearning, reframing worth, and building your capacity to receive.
Daily Practices for Reclaiming Pleasure (Unapologetically)
Because you have access to pleasure at any time, anywhere—and for free—there’s no need to wait for the perfect moment to start reclaiming pleasure. Simply start with where you are. What can you feel right now? Start there, and grow your tolerance for joy from there.
Try one of these low stake micro-practices:
Mirror Ritual: Stand in front of a mirror and name three things you admire about your body—not what it does, but what it feels like.
Sensory Check-In: Throughout the day, pause and ask: What does my body need right now—touch, taste, sound, movement?
Receive Without Apology: Next time someone offers you a compliment, pleasure, or gift—pause. Don’t deflect. Just say thank you. Let it land.
Body-Led Breaks: Instead of waiting for burnout, schedule pleasure proactively. A dance break. A walk in the sun. A slow stretch to your favorite song.
Explore Erotic Self-Touch: Not goal-oriented masturbation—but slow, curious, open-ended touch. What feels good? Where does your body come alive?
These are practices that anchor the body in the moment, invite curiosity into your lived experiences, and bridge the gap between mind and flesh. In turn, helping you open up a pathway to pleasure and where it lives throughout your body—and where blocks remain.
Affirmations for the Guilt-Tinged Days
My pleasure is not a problem to be solved.
I am allowed to feel good, even when the world is heavy.
I can hold joy and responsibility at the same time.
I do not need permission to rest, to feel, or to receive.
My body is not a machine. It is a sacred vessel of sensation and knowing.
Journal Prompts for Pleasure Recovery
1. When was the first time I remember feeling ashamed of my desire or body?
2. What did I learn about pleasure from my caregivers, culture, or community?
3. What forms of pleasure feel safest to me now? Which ones feel harder to access?
4. What would change in my life if I centered pleasure—not as reward, but as requirement?
5. Write a love or apology letter to your inner child, reclaiming parts that were shamed or silenced.
6. Write about who you want to be as a sexual being. What do you think is getting in the way of being that person?
Reclaiming Your Birthright
Reclaiming pleasure isn’t selfish—it’s sovereign. It’s not just about sexualizing your experience. Centering pleasure, even in tiny moments, is about remembering your body’s wisdom. Shift your attention toward feeling and receiving as a way of saying, I will not abandon myself for anyone’s comfort. It's a protest. It’s prayer. It’s power. Pleasure is foundational to our wellbeing and agency. Let’s stop waiting for permission and let’s stop apologizing for joy, because your pleasure isn’t extra. In fact, it’s essential.