Is It Bad Communication? Or Incompatibility?
Communication work in couple’s counseling is a beautiful thing. There’s something so incredible that happens when we finally learn how to state our needs and our emotions in a way that works with one another. Years of tension, bickering, and missing one another can change in the blink of an eye when the right skill lands.
However, in this pursuit of teaching every couple I work with how to say “Can you please load the dishwasher?” instead of “You’re always such a slob”, I’ve noticed that sometimes, communication alone is not the solution.
Sometimes, it’s not about how you say it, it’s about how you view the world. What if, instead of not knowing how to say what you need, the issue is that the two of you fundamentally do not want the same things?
Communication Vs. Compatibility
As a therapist, improved communication is a large part of my work with clients. Indeed, a huge amount of interpersonal conflict can be attributed to common communication faux pas. I often see defensiveness, poor listening skills, unresolved trauma, unclear needs, and ineffective conflict styles getting in the way of connection. However, for some couples, fixing even the most disastrous communication might not be enough to secure a great relationship.
Communication is not the same as compatibility. Communication is a skill, compatibility is an innate interpersonal dynamic. You can manufacture good communication even if it’s not present at the start of the relationship. Compatibility, however, can’t be faked.
For example, a communication issue might sound like: “I didn’t realize how important that was to you”, while an incompatibility issue would be “I understand why it matters to you. I just don’t value it the same way.” The first can be repaired through effort and insight, the other creates distance and self-abandonment for at least one person in the relationship.
We’re Incompatible… Now What?
Many incompatible couples stay too long because they believe they can work their way through their differences through solving their communication. They might think that if they could only learn how to explain it better, say it nicer, or express how deeply hurt they are, they will be able to move past their differences and find one another again.
Don’t get me wrong… sometimes that is true. And at the very least, there’s never any harm in learning more effective communication skills. But if you’ve perfected the art of using “I” sentences and you still aren’t getting anywhere, it might be time to re-evaluate.
Why We Struggle to Leave
Sometimes, your relationship isn’t struggling because you haven’t learned the perfect language to explain what feels like it’s missing. It might just be that the person you’re with is fundamentally different, and that can be okay. Afterall, it isn’t imperative to your relationship that the two of you are perfectly aligned.
But often, we don’t see glaring incompatibilities in the beginning. The honeymoon phase, combined with our tendency to perform the role of “perfect partner”, causes us to see only the best in one another. By the time you realize that one person wants emotional depth and the other prefers emotional distance, you might be well into your relationship. You might find that one person values immediate repair after conflict, while the other shuts down and moves on quickly. Or maybe, one person wants growth, and a partner who offers constructive feedback, while the other experiences those conversations as criticism.
Neither person has to be “wrong” for a relationship to begin to feel painful. That’s just the nature of the beast, and what makes incompatibility so difficult to process and accept.
Indeed, it often would be much easier if one of you was evil, or toxic, or had made an egregious error that was impossible to look past. But instead, many people find themselves in relationships with someone who is kind and caring, and who wants to try to make things work… but still is fundamentally unable to meet them where they are. And because there isn’t something easy to point to, they feel like they need to stay, be it for love, or respect, or a fear of not trying hard enough and regretting it later.
What Happens if We Stay
When you’re trapped in a subtle cycle of incompatibility with nowhere to turn, your nervous system starts adapting to chronic disappointment. You stop initiating honest conversations, because you know they never go in the direction you want them to. You minimize your own needs, because you know they won’t get fully met. You might even begin to turn on yourself, believing that you’re asking for too much, or you’re too stubborn, and that you need to be an easier, more “chill” partner in order for this to work.
Over time, you survive the relationship by shrinking, becoming a shell of yourself in order to withstand the pain of feeling unseen. This behavior is unfortunately all too common in relationships between incompatible individuals. One person learns to self-abandon, while the other lives in what they believe to be a calm, peaceful relationship. This is obviously not sustainable, and if left unchecked, leads to all kinds of negative wellness outcomes. Our mental health suffers, and even our physical health suffers. Resentment grows, and eventually, the love starts to fade. We get stuck “waiting it out”, letting ourselves mourn while still in the arms of our partner.
The Problem with “TherapyTok”
Obviously, I love therapy and all of the language associated with it. But with the rise of mental health content on TikTok and other social media platforms, often shared by individuals who mean well but tend to overly generalize, I think therapy language has accidentally made this harder for some people.
In my time on the internet, I’ve seen messaging that tells us if we communicate our needs, use “I” statements, and embrace vulnerability, our relationship will be healed. For some, this is the case! And yet, for others, it’s not so simple. When those who fall into the latter category hear that communication skills are a heal-all for relationships, they slowly convince themselves that their relationship is salvageable, and they just aren’t trying hard enough. There is a huge difference between doing the work together, and working against each other. When it boils down to an issue of incompatibility, we can’t simply talk through it. We have to gauge and assess what we’re willing to agree to disagree on, and if we find we can’t live with those differences, we have to move on.
The Bottom Line
Healthy relationships are not conflict-free, and they do require a level of good communication. They don’t have to be between two people who are perfectly aligned and agree on everything (I’m not sure this is even feasible between two unique individuals). But, in order to maintain a healthy relationship, one thing is certain: If one person is betraying themselves in order to stay, the relationship cannot survive.
If you’re reading this article and your heart is sinking, I feel for you. I have been in my fair share of situations where I tried my hardest to fix things, and still, incompatibility won out at the end of the day. I know what it feels like to realize that things might not work out, and believe me, it’s not fun to make the choice to leave. But at the end of the day, I am much happier for it, and if you’re in the same boat, you will be too.