Identity Confusion: How to Find Clarity in Who You Are
Why Identity Can Feel So Unclear
“So, tell me about yourself.” How do you begin to answer? Do you start with where you’re from, your job, your hobbies, your family? What are the defining characteristics of your identity? For many, the answer is not quite so clear. You may know the basics: your age, your career, and your favorite color. But what about the rest: your dreams, your fears, what you believe in and stand for?
Many clients share that they feel the core aspects of their identity are fuzzy or altogether completely unknown. They may have a rough idea of who they are but feel it shifts rapidly based on who surrounds them and the environments they are within.
Personality vs. Identity
But what is identity? When you ask people to describe themselves, they often move to what is visible and external: what they do for work, relationship status, personality labels, or even individual preferences. These are all descriptors of personality, patterns you may notice in how you think, feel, and behave. Identity, however, is your internal self-definition. It is made up of your values, personal beliefs, and experiences. Identity is how you make greater meaning of yourself.
How We Lose Ourselves in Other People
Personality and identity are often confused for one another. As social creatures, we value how we are perceived by our peers. If others appreciate us for our humor, our intellect, or our looks, then we begin to value these traits in ourselves and integrate them into our understanding of our identity. However, the problem arises as our environment shifts, and we shift with it. At work, we may be valued for our professionalism or efficiency. Whereas with friends, we may be valued for our charisma, wit, or other social traits. We change ourselves to suit the environment we exist in, which can lead to confusion regarding who we are at a baseline. Who are we when no one is watching?
Slowly, life begins to feel like a performance. Adapting ourselves to what others value about us, rather than reflecting on how to embody what we value about ourselves. In this world, there are always eyes watching, and their gaze can feel like a crushing pressure to change.
What Causes Identity Confusion?
But what leaves some individuals more susceptible to this identity confusion than others? For some, identity confusion can come as a result of a major life transition or trauma: individuals who lose their job or retire, go through a divorce, experience the death of a loved one, etc. An intense shift in our external circumstances forces us to reckon with ourselves, question our values, and reflect on the course of our lives. This type of identity crisis would be considered conditional and acute, based on factors outside of ourselves.
However, for some, identity confusion has felt more like a lifelong struggle. They struggle to define who they are, what they want and make decisions that feel grounded and authentic. The development of identity occurs over the course of a lifetime and begins in childhood. As children and adolescents, we look to those around us to help understand ourselves. Our earliest attachments frame how we view ourselves. Were our caretakers and loved ones warm, consistent, and loving? Or were they difficult to understand, distant, and otherwise inconsistent?
Identity and the Need for Approval
Feedback that is inconsistent, highly variable, and conditional shapes the belief that in order to be accepted, we must conform to the expectations of others. And there begins the identity struggle, because our value becomes derivative from the approval of others. Thus, our identity must shift in order to uphold this standard. We forget to ask ourselves how we feel, what we think, and what we value; we lose sight of ourselves altogether.
Rebuilding a Stronger Sense of Identity
If we are feeling lost within ourselves, how do we begin to clarify and strengthen our sense of identity? A personal sense of identity is strongly felt through values. Values are the principles through which we align ourselves. If we value love, we work to prioritize our loving relationships with others. If we value integrity, we work to act honestly and morally across contexts.
When your sense of identity feels confused, it isn’t because you are missing values. Instead, it is often because you are shifting your behavior, often in a way that does not align with your internal values. You hope that changing your behavior to suit the world around you will result in validation or approval. However, over time, this continual shifting results in a lack of clarity around your own values, and therefore, your own identity.
A more stable sense of identity comes not only from knowing your values but also from acting in accordance with them across time and various contexts. This means that sometimes your values may conflict with the environments and people you are surrounded with. In these moments, strengthening your identity comes from working to tolerate the discomfort this causes, rather than shifting immediately to conform.
Identity Is Built Through Consistency
Identity development is a slow and often difficult process. It takes time to learn about yourself and define who you are and who you want to be. This clarity and definition does not appear all at once but must instead be built through intention, reflection, and commitment. Often, this process will feel uncomfortable. The temptation to look to others for direction and validation will always be present. But identity requires you to turn inwards, over and over again, to define what matters to you and how you will choose to live life in alignment with yourself. Over time, these choices create consistency, and in consistency, we find insight.