5 Ways to Help a Partner Deal With Depression
Depression often not only affects the person experiencing it, but it can often unintentionally affect loved ones. This can be especially true when it comes to romantic partners, leaving both the person experiencing depression and their partner feeling helpless or overwhelmed. However, empathetic support and better understanding of your partner’s experience of depression can make a huge difference.
Those experiencing depression need and deserve support, but what does that support look like and how can you tell when a partner may be dealing with a depressive episode?
First, What Does Depression Look Like?
Depression is a complex and pervasive mental health condition that affects millions of people worldwide. Despite its prevalence, there are still misconceptions and stigmas surrounding depression. It is important to understand that depression is not the result of your partner being lazy, weak, or inflexible, and premarital counseling can help in addressing these misconceptions. Your partner’s depression does not mean that they lack resilience, courage, or diligence.
Depression can manifest in a variety of ways, and the severity of symptoms can vary from person to person. Common symptoms include:
Persistent sadness or a low mood
Feelings of emptiness, tearfulness, or apathy
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities and hobbies
Fatigue and decreased energy
Increased or decreased appetite
Sleep disturbances (insomnia or hypersomnia)
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Often feeling overwhelmed or increased irritability
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Unexplained physical problems e.g. headaches, stomach aches, back pain
Slowed thinking, speaking, body movements, or general tiredness
Frequent thoughts of death, self-harm, or suicide
A diagnosis of depression is typically made by a mental health professional, such as a psychiatrist, therapist, or psychologist. In some communities, finding a culturally sensitive practitioner, like a black therapist, can make a significant difference in the comfort level and understanding during the diagnostic process. This includes assessing a person’s symptoms, duration, and impact on daily functioning. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) is often used as a reference for diagnosis.
Now, how to help!
#1, Educate Yourself on Your Partner’s Experience
Those who experience depression have varying experiences of what depressive episodes look like and feel like for them. There is often an ebb and flow in depressive episodes that sometimes is not easily understood by loved ones around someone experiencing depression. Staying curious and open about what depressive episodes look like for your partner and educating yourself about what may trigger depressive symptoms for them is meaningful. Additionally, exploring supportive therapies, such as sex therapy, can also be beneficial in understanding and managing these experiences.
It can be useful to ask your partner questions about their experience, such as:
What are you currently feeling?
Would it feel more helpful to be alone or with other people right now?
How are your energy levels?
How are you sleeping?
Are you eating more or less than usual?
Are you able to concentrate on things right now?
How easy or difficult does it feel to get out of bed and engage in your usual routine?
#2, Ask Your Partner What Helpful Support May Look Like
Similarly to how people’s experience of depression varies, people’s needs and level of support in depressive episodes also vary. Your partner's depression is not something you have to "fix;" depressive episodes happen periodically throughout life for someone with clinical depression. It can feel easy to take a partner’s depressive symptoms personally or feel a need to find a “magical” solution to their depression, but often the most meaningful thing you can do is support them in various ways.
Showing love and support for someone oftentimes means just showing up for them.
Some ways to offer support to your partner may look like the following:
Making sure your partner knows you support them seeking professional help or offer to help them search for a therapist, psychiatrist, or treatment program
Offering to help out with more chores that feel overwhelming for your partner to currently complete
Talk with your partner about things that bring them joy or things that motivate them to keep living
Ask your partner what activities or hobbies they feel like they have the energy to engage in
Offer to set a sleeping routine, hygiene routine, or mealtime routine to do together
Help with cooking meals or ask your partner if there are any snacks that feel easier to eat if your partner is struggling with appetite
Remind your partner that you care for them and love them
Remind your partner gently to take their medications or help keep track of their therapy appointments
Discuss with your partner if there are any specific, positive goals they have that you can help with
Be present and open to listening to your partner’s experience with depression, stressful days, and feelings
Offer encouragement and acknowledgement of your partner making any strides or effort in improving their depression
Offer sensory comforts, such as a weighted blanket, a stuffed animal, or their favorite food
Ask your partner if they have any cues that may show that they want alone time when feeling overwhelmed
Understand that your partner may have a more difficult time processing or sharing emotions and respect their boundaries if they do not want to engage in your prompts about how they are feeling
Ask your partner if there are things that normally help them get through depressive episodes
Most importantly, outright ask your partner about their needs and what the best ways to support them are!
#3, Don’t Have Overbearing Expectations
It is important to not having overbearing expectations or your own timeline of what healing or recovery looks like for your partner. Sometimes “getting better” can look like slowly achieving small goals, such as regularly showering, eating three meals a day, or getting out of bed most days of the week. Since we naturally love and care for our partners, it can feel easy to want them to feel better as fast as possible, but one of the best things you can do for your partner is be patient and not take your partner’s depression personally.
It can feel simple to blame yourself if your partner seems distant, loses interest in sex, or doesn’t want to engage in things you used to do as a couple while they are depressed, but it is crucial to remind yourself that these things are often just symptoms of depression. When supporting a partner struggling with depression, it can be necessary to acknowledge your own natural limitations in the situation to avoid feeling guilt, shame, or hopelessness by making it your sole-task of healing your partner’s depression. Try to routinely ask yourself if you are trying to support your partner by encouraging their self-empowerment and strength to heal or if you are trying to be the power pushing them forward.
#4, Safety Planning
Oftentimes those who experience depression and have been through treatment before for their depression have created a safety plan with a mental health professional.
It can be important for you to be aware of what your partner’s safety plan is in case their mental health worsens and they need extra support due to feeling unable to function or begin to feel like they want to harm themselves. If your partner does not have a safety plan, it could be helpful to offer to make one together or encourage them to make one.
A safety plan often includes:
A list of coping strategies to utilize when experiencing increased depression
Warning signs that depression is worsening, such as mood changes or behavioral changes
A list of family and/or friends that may help in a crisis
Ways to make the living environment safer, such as limiting access to firearms or lethal substances
Professional contacts & agencies to reach out to when needing help, such as one’s personal therapist, psychiatrist, hospital, or local living room program for those in need of a crisis respite program with services and supports designed to proactively divert crises and break the cycle of psychiatric hospitalization.
#5, Take care of yourself and engage in your own self-care
Partners who put too much care-taking responsibility on themselves are also often overcome with feelings of guilt and shame when they are unable to “fix” their partner’s depression, so it is imperative to continue to look after your own rest, stress, physical health, and socialization with your own support system. It is not uncommon for those who have partners who struggle with depression or other mental health problems to seek professional help for themselves, too.
Healing does not exist in a vacuum. Communication, empathy, and understanding are the keys to having any successful relationship, and especially important when one or both partners are living with a mental illness.
You’re welcome to book an appointment with me for individual therapy or explore support together in couples therapy - and/or utilize the resources below for more immediate support. There is a lot of help available to you and your partner!
Mental Health Hotlines:
Suicide and Crisis Hotline
988 (call or text 24/7)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255
Provides 24/7, free, and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources
SAMHSA’s National Helpline
1-800-662-HELP (4357)
A confidential, free, 24/7 information service for individuals and family members facing mental health and/or substance use disorders. Provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations
Blackline
1-800-604-5841 (24/7)
A 24-hour hotline geared towards the Black, Black LGBTQ, Brown, Native and Muslim community
Trans Lifeline
(877) 565-8860
A peer support crisis phone service run by trans people for trans and questioning peers. Call if you need someone trans to talk to, even if you’re not in a crisis or if you’re not sure you’re trans.
