Coping: Post-Election Conversations with Family
By Dr. Mary Madrake
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash
While the election has been called, the stressors of Election Day (more like an Election Week this year) and the current political and social climate are still impacting many people across the country. We have also entered a holiday season that will look very different from past holidays due to the ongoing pandemic. Whether gathering in-person or virtually, the election (and politics) are likely to come up during holiday gatherings, so how do we handle these conversations when our families may hold very different views?
Recognize patterns of communication and conflict that tend to occur in your family
Just like Hallmark Christmas movie plotlines, patterns of communication in families tend to be predictable and have roles for each member of the family to play. For adult children, having conversations with parents might feel like a replay of the role you had in your family as a teenager. Consider past conversations you’ve had with your family around politics and social issues, or other topics that might have involved differing views. Patterns from past conversations can help you prepare for future conversations.
For example, maybe your parents tend to hold opposing views and you feel caught in the middle and as though you need to pick a side. Or your cousins will say that you’re using emotional reasoning over facts when you have a disagreement. Once you recognize these patterns, you can begin to think about ways of responding that might lead to a different outcome.
Create an outline or list of points
Many of us have had the experience of going into a meeting or appointment with questions - and then not being able to remember any of the things you wanted to say or ask. Creating a mental list, or even a physical list, can be helpful when approaching important or difficult conversations with the people in your life. An outline might be useful if you plan to bring up the conversation, such as writing down how you might introduce the topic and a few different points to make depending on how the conversation appears to be going. For example, consider a point, story, or fact to bring in if the other party (or parties) seem to be willing to engage with the conversation. This could help you stay calm and clear if the other party appears to be responding defensively.
A list of points can also be useful if you think someone else might bring up political and social issues and you want to be prepared to respond in a way that expresses your values and views. Having a mix of quantitative (numbers and research) and qualitative (stories or more personal examples) points can allow you to respond based on how others start a discussion and feel prepared for a variety of outcomes.
Pre and Post-Conversation Support
Having someone to review your plan with for how to handle these conversations can be a great way to rehearse different outcomes, much like the support offered in parenting counseling sessions. Whether this is with a friend, family member, or mental health provider, discussing your goals for the conversation and expected outcomes can help you to feel more comfortable having the conversation. In addition, thinking about how you might feel before, during, and after the conversation can increase your feelings of preparedness. Having a text, phone call, or video call set up with a supportive person in your life after the conversation with family members to debrief and discuss next steps could also be a useful step to add to your plan.
Assess the Outcome
Before creating a plan for any conversation, assess the potential mental health outcomes that bringing up these conversations or engaging in these conversations might have for you. If you feel unsafe, whether physically or emotionally, discussing these topics with your family members you have the choice to not engage. If you decide to not engage, having a way of distancing yourself from the conversation can be helpful. Saying something like, “I can tell this is something you really want to discuss, but I don’t have the emotional energy to do so at this time” or “I’m not willing to discuss this with you as you do not seem to be in a place to hear other views” can be a way to close the conversation before it intensifies.
Set a “No Politics” boundary
Setting a “no politics” boundary can be helpful - for part of the event or conversation - or even working to not bring up politics and social issues while with your family. The goal behind setting a boundary like this would be to have either particular times in which these conversations can occur, such as before (but not during) a meal or for 10 minutes only. Or it could be asking everyone to refrain from bringing these topics into conversations for the entire event. This type of boundary works best if everyone is willing to agree to the boundary, which could bring up questions as to why a boundary is necessary or refusal on the part of some individuals. Assessing whether it is likely your family would agree to a boundary prior to bringing up the idea might be useful so you can potentially prepare a list of reasons why the boundary could be helpful or necessary - or this exercise may lead you to skip this suggestion altogether.
Utilize grounding techniques
In addition to the suggestions above, having some skills to manage stress and stay in the present moment could come in handy while having these conversations. Here are some grounding techniques that you could utilize:
Five Senses Technique
Begin by taking a few slow deep breaths, and then:
Find five objects you can see (a laptop, a lamp, a window, a pillow, an object on a table, etc.)
Four objects or textures you can touch (your clothes, a blanket, furniture, a pet, etc.)
Three things you can hear (cars outside, people speaking, an HVAC system, etc.)
Two things you can smell (food cooking, a candle, etc.)
One thing you can taste (a drink, a piece of gum, etc.)
This technique works to bring your mind back into the present moment by allowing you to focus on specific objects and senses that are in your immediate surroundings.
Square Breathing
This technique can be utilized while in the midst of a conversation or around others to calm your nervous system and increase your ability to stay in the present moment. Square breathing involves inhaling for a count of three, holding the breath for a count of three, exhaling for a count of three, and then holding for a count of three before beginning the next breath. You can alter this pattern based on what feels best for your body, such as increasing the square to a four count breath or changing the hold count.
This holiday season will likely look and feel very different than those of previous years, including the conversations around political and social issues, but understanding the impact of these topics on yourself and others is a good place to start.
