The Protection of Self-Blame: Why We Blame Ourselves and How It Forms
“To err is human, to forgive is divine.” Alexander Pope wrote these words in 1711, reflecting on the intrinsically flawed nature of human beings. But if forgiveness is divine, that also means the act of forgiveness is something difficult and likely not our first instinct. When faced with our mistakes or the mistakes of others, we are more likely to move towards blame. Externalized or internalized, blame is a way of making sense of our mistakes and explaining how bad things happen. Blame is the process of assigning fault or holding someone or something responsible for the outcome. And sometimes blame is appropriate: when people hurt others, when we intentionally take actions knowing they may result in undesirable or harmful outcomes, etc.
Intense blame and accusation is also particularly accessible in our modern society. We are given small glimpses of one another via platforms like social media, and we are deeply aware of the faults and mistakes of public figures like celebrities or influencers. This creates an environment in which we do know enough about certain people and too much about others. From there, we can create finely crafted narratives of blame based on partial perspectives.
When Blame Turns Inward
But what about when that blame is turned inwards? Excessive self-blame eats away at our ability for compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. It often sounds like "I'm an idiot," “I can’t do anything right," “I’m a bad person," “I deserved what happened to me," or “I put myself in this situation/position." These are likely all thoughts we have encountered at one time or another, but when they become repetitive, they begin to feel like our reality. We begin to believe that we are bad and that we do deserve what has happened to us.
Where Self-Blame Begins
Chronic self-blame often results from environmental circumstances in which one learns this pattern as a form of survival and protection. We exist in a world where many individuals experience harm, abuse, and neglect from others, sometimes starting as young as infancy. Childhood abuse or neglect can be devastating because children look to caregivers as sources of love, warmth, and safety. It is incredibly difficult for children to conceptualize their caregivers as dangerous or scary, and rather than placing blame on parents, it may be easier for a young child to think about what they have done “wrong” to deserve abuse and neglect from their caregiver. This narrative can be further cemented when abusive caregivers reinforce these lessons, often informing the child that they are to blame for the abuse and neglect. As the child grows into an adult, they may continue using self-blame to understand their relationships and the world around them.
How Trauma Reinforces Self-Blame
Abuse and neglect are not isolated to childhood, and internalized self-blame can often arise from any experience of trauma. Trauma is complex and occurs in many forms, both explicit and not. At its core, trauma is an event that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope and deeply impacts one's sense of security and safety in life. Often, trauma means we have experienced an event that is out of our control and has harmed us physically, emotionally, or both. As a result, we no longer feel safe existing in the world. However, admitting that the world is a deeply dangerous and unexpected place can be further overwhelming. Instead, some trauma survivors will turn the narrative inward: “I put myself in this position," “I deserved what happened to me," etc. This narrative places the responsibility of harm back onto the survivor, which, although emotionally devastating, can feel like a form of greater control over what has happened.
Why Self-Blame Can Feel Safer
One thing you may notice about both of these explanations discussed above is that both are processes of turning an emotion inward, back onto oneself. There are an endless number of individual circumstances that can result in chronic self-blame, but many involve the process of turning an outward emotion inward. Projecting emotions onto other people, objects, or events is a way of making sense of what has happened to us. However, that process doesn’t always feel protective. Admitting that someone or something else has hurt us sometimes feels pointless. We cannot always undo what has been done; sometimes we can't achieve justice or retribution. An abused/neglected child may actually feel quite angry or disappointed by their caregiver, but those emotions are not safe to project onto the adult at the time. The same process exists for adults; it may not be emotionally safe to project our emotions onto the true source of harm. As a result, we place the blame back on ourselves. Maybe then we can punish ourselves or “fix” something. It feels like control of the narrative, and it often feels more productive.
The Hidden Cost of Self-Blame
The cruel paradox is that constant self-blame does not create more control; it creates a world in which you are always the villain, which is a prison in itself. Sometimes in this experience, we become our own abuser. And there is no amount of self-loathing that will free us from pain.
Moving Toward Compassion Instead
If you feel like you have been experiencing intense self-blame, know that this experience is often your mind’s attempt to make sense of the world, to maintain connection, and to feel safe. Recognizing the function of your emotions is often the first step forward. If self-blame has been your companion for years, it may be time to question whether it's still serving you or whether it's keeping you from the healing and forgiveness that you deserve.