Scary Thoughts: A Common Part of the Postpartum Experience
“What if she rolls over in her sleep and suffocates?”, “What if I drop them?”, “What if he crawls and hits his head?” are all questions and scenarios that come up when I talk with new moms. Whether it’s your first or fourth child, intrusive thoughts are a common occurrence and can be very scary to navigate. They create this worry and anxiety for moms that something “bad” is going to happen if they are not watching or paying close attention to the baby at all times. The truth is that the constant checking in with the baby can lead to mom feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, afraid and feeling like a “bad mom”. I’m here to normalize this experience and take one step forward together on how to navigate intrusive thoughts.
What are intrusive thoughts?
Intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts that appear in our minds that interrupt our daily thinking. Most of the time they seem to appear randomly and as of right now there is no understanding of why these thoughts show up. When it comes to postpartum, moms can experience intrusive thoughts surrounding the health and safety of their baby. Intrusive thoughts have been reported in over half of new moms and are more likely to occur if a mom has a previous history of mental health issues. Having these thoughts is not a reflection of intent but a normal part of the postpartum experience; guilt, embarrassment, and feeling “disturbed” by the thoughts showing up are all indicators that these are not actual behaviors mom wants to act on.
Normalizing Baby Blues
Giving birth can be an overstimulating experience for both your mind and body. Processing and understanding what your body just went through can be difficult to talk about and feel lonely when there is this pressure to “be happy” about the baby. If you notice that you are feeling overwhelmed consistently, feeling restless, tearful, and have difficulty sleeping, these are some signs that baby blues might be something that you are experiencing. This experience is common for moms within the first days or weeks after giving birth and can include scary or intrusive thoughts about the baby. Why these intrusive thoughts are showing up during this new chapter of life can be due to a number of contributing factors: traumatic birth, trauma around loss, previous mental health issues, sleep deprivation, increased pressure to be the “perfect mom”. But ultimately there is no answer in understanding why these intrusive thoughts are showing up.
80% of moms experience baby blues and it is an unexpected experience that can be difficult to navigate. Understanding that everyone’s birth experience is different, normalizing mixed feelings can be a powerful tool in entering motherhood. Acknowledgment of this life transition allows us as a society to break down the stigma related to women needing to only feel “joy” in this phase of life. The more we can open up that conversation, the more we can have women connect with one another rather than suffer alone. By keeping track of what you are noticing in your body, your emotions and thoughts, moms can start to know if these baby blues are developing into something more. Some questions to keep in mind as you notice these thoughts are:
Am I feeling guilt or fear all the time? How often are these emotions showing up?
Am I avoiding places, activities or people due to the content of the intrusive thoughts? (not leaving the home, not letting anyone else hold the baby, etc.)
How often are these thoughts showing up and how intense are they?
If the intrusive thoughts, feelings of overwhelm or excess worry start to linger into a few months after giving birth, this is when seeking out support could be helpful in validating your experience and giving you tools in reducing the anxious thoughts or depressive feelings.
As mentioned, scary intrusive thoughts can bring up a lot of guilt and shame. To break that cycle, opening up to others like a partner, a friend, a family member or a therapist, can allow that guilt and shame to be alleviated. Guilt and shame thrive in the dark, so the first step (and also the hardest step) is being vulnerable about what you have been feeling. If you are a loved one of someone going through this experience, be present in the space with them as they share and be an active listener to what their emotions are. You do not need to “fix”, you can just be there for this new mom.
With normalizing this experience, moms can start to label when these intrusive thoughts are showing up for them. Once labelled, moms can collaborate with therapists to use a CBT approach. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is an evidence-based modality that challenges and reframes unhelpful thoughts and behaviors. With this modality, moms would practice challenging, reframing and letting go of the intrusive thoughts rather than hyperfixating on them. Another way to cope could be through the use of mindfulness and grounding exercises. There are a plethora of tools that can be used within this modality that focus on trying to stay in the present moment and regulating emotions around the intrusive thoughts. No one coping mechanism will be a good fit for everyone but these are some coping strategies that you can expect to come across when reaching out for support.
What do you do now?
Now that you have the information surrounding scary intrusive thoughts, how do we move forward? New moms should have an identified support system before labor and delivery. This support system can consist of any individual that mom feels safe and comfortable with. There can be a range of “safe” individuals where mom might be able to talk in a vulnerable way with some and others might be a person who can help in handling the mental load of the house. Either way, having a range can be beneficial in allowing mom to feel less alone and allow others to notice any signs of anxiety or mood shifts. Sometimes, as humans, we have a hard time identifying when we are acting differently especially when we are pre-occupied with something stressful like a new baby, a new job, a move, etc. By having others around us who can be honest about any changes they see, moms can seek support sooner rather than later.
If you notice any differences in yourself as a new mom or if you are a loved one of a new mom, be gentle. There is a mountain of expectations that are placed upon moms which creates this pressure keg of needing to uphold a mask that “everything is okay”. Everything doesn’t have to feel okay and that’s okay. You are not alone and there are people who can support you and help you in feeling better.
To find help, feel free to reach out to Balanced Awakening to talk to any of the therapists who are found on our “Mom Therapy” page. In the meantime, I would highly recommend looking up “Good Moms have Scary Thoughts” by Karen Kleiman - this can be a powerful tool in normalizing your intrusive thoughts. We look forward to getting to work alongside you!