Reigniting Spontaneous Desire: Playful Ways to Initiate Sex
Remember the beginning of your relationship, where you were ready to rip each other’s clothes off at the drop of a hat? The honeymoon phase is a real treat…Until you’ve moved past it into the more mature, deep, connective phases of a relationship. Fast forward a few years, and spontaneity has taken a back seat. We have places to be, work to do, maybe kids to raise, and at the end of a day filled with all of that (if we’re lucky), sleep. Sex can shift into something much less impromptu when there simply aren’t enough hours in the day to fully enjoy it.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but there is a bright side. Even after years and years of loving one another, we are still capable of spontaneous desire. Maybe you’ve outgrown the surging hormones and biological pushes towards hot, right-here-right-now sex. But now, the intimacy of trust and deep, emotional love can stand in to make sex even better than it was at first. All we need to get there is a little creativity, and the courage to make changes toward a more thrilling sex life.
Understanding Desire: Spontaneous vs. Responsive
If you’ve done your own research on sex in relationships, you may be familiar with the terms spontaneous and responsive desire. You also likely have learned that, contrary to what we see on TV or read in our romance novels, not all desire is spontaneous, a feeling of lust popping into your head and pushing you to initiate sex or masturbate. In psychology, we distinguish between spontaneous desire – feeling suddenly turned on – and responsive desire, which occurs in response to arousing stimuli. Most adults experience both, with an intense uptick in spontaneous desire occurring in the beginning stages of romantic relationships (the honeymoon phase).
In the first stage of romantic love, our bodies produce an excess of the hormones that get us riled up. Dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin play roles in getting us physically “addicted” to one another, with sex and physical touch feeling more pleasurable and intense. This drives us to experience more spontaneous desire. But when those hormones wear off, we’re left feeling like the spark has gone out. In order to make up for the transition, we need to make intentional efforts to initiate sex and get some of that excitement back.
Creative Ways to Spark Desire
So what efforts can we take? Below are some easy, sexy moves you can make to reignite spontaneous desire.
1. The Saucy Text
Who doesn’t want to feel yearned for? A sexy, flirtatious message during the day can build anticipation. Telling your partner “I want you after work” lets them know that they’re on your mind, and can give them time to fantasize about what might occur when you reunite. It also can be thrilling to think about such intimate details while in an inappropriate setting, and having to wait for the delayed gratification.
2. The “What If” Game
For many, initiating sex can feel vulnerable and like an opportunity to get rejected. Instead, try whispering something like, “What if we stayed home, and went straight to the bedroom instead?”. Depending on what your partner says, you either get the chance to spice things up, or add a bit of harmless flirtation into your daily life. Even if you don’t act on it every time, it opens the door for more “what ifs” in the future.
3. Sensory Invitations
For many, especially women, seduction is all about setting a mood. It’s often not enough to just see something arousing, or to hear seductive words. Instead, try to engage several of the senses: light a candle, put on a favorite song, or lightly grip the waist as you begin to initiate. Small sensory cues can elicit intimate connection before you even say the words “I want you”.
4. Role Reversal
In order for there to be passion, there needs to be a break in routine. If you want your partner to be pleasantly surprised, shake up your usual pattern. If you’re typically the one who waits to be asked, take the lead. If you usually initiate, see if they’d be open to a little role play, where they can explore a more dominant side. Novelty reignites excitement, and in turn, creates passion.
5. Code Word/Signal
If you love New Girl like I do, you probably remember Nick and Jess’s ingenious “sex mug”. When one of them was in the mood for sex, they would turn the mug to sit handle-side out, as a discreet sign to the other: “I’m down if you are”. Follow in their footsteps and create a secret word, phrase, or playful signal that means “I’m in the mood.” It adds a private, teasing layer to everyday life and makes initiating feel like a game. Just remember to communicate if you’re not feeling it instead of ignoring your partner’s symbol.
The Takeaway
We often mourn the early days of our relationship, when lust was heavy, when the unknown sent a chill down our spine and sparked a fire in our bellies. It’s fair to crave that intense feeling of pleasure as we become more comfortable. But it’s not too late to get some of that excitement back. Cultivating excitement and desire in your relationship requires planning, thought, and above all else, intention. If you can be curious about what turns both you and your partner on, and have a good sense of humor, there are no shortages of ways to connect back to passion. Focus on the sense of play that comes with curiosity, rather than performance. Strive for fun over completion. Most importantly, remember: desire ebbs and flows, and with intention, those “can’t-keep-our-hands-off-each-other” moments can come back with a vengeance.