How do I ask my mom for therapy?
By Meghan Ringler, LCSW
As a young person, talking to your parents about challenging things can be intimidating! If you’re struggling with your mental health, know this: you are not alone. Studies show that an estimated 20% of people between the ages of 12 and 18 are struggling with a mental health condition. First and foremost, admitting that you need help isn’t easy, so you should be proud that you’ve taken this critical first step (1).
When it comes to addressing therapy with parents, it can feel uncertain regarding how they might respond. “Will they say no, will this upset them, will they invade my privacy, do I really need it?” These are all questions that may have entered your mind when bringing up this request. For many, it is not uncommon to occasionally experience an adverse reaction from parents when bringing up challenging topics, so it makes a lot of sense why you may be experiencing some level of fear when bringing up this topic. While yes, asking for help in the form of therapy can be a scary one, know that requesting this signals maturity, insight and courage. Here are some tips to consider that may help in asking your parents for therapy.
Identify your concerns
Utilize self reflection to better understand your purpose in wanting therapy. When we go into a conversation with more clarity, this can allow for more effective conversation. While in order to pursue therapy you don’t always need an obvious concern, know that it can be helpful information for your parents to better understand your “why”. When people don’t have the information to understand, they tend to filter in their own perspective and this can lead to messy outcomes. Try writing it out as a way to understand your concerns more clearly.
Create a plan
Creating a plan can provide a level of control to the situation. When creating a plan, think about the how, when, where and why. It can be useful to start this conversation in a space where both parties are calm, cool and collected and the environment is just right to have a deeper conversation. Likely, the worst time to address this is in the heat of an already pre existing argument - so avoid doing that. Make sure you’ve mapped out your talking points, think about: what do I want? and how can I provide context for my parent(s) to understand and clearly hear my request.
Utilize effective communication strategies
Avoid using blameful, aggressive language as this tends to do the opposite of allowing others to hear us and instead causes defensive reactions. Instead, utilize “I-statements”; these statements are a way of communicating the speaker's feelings or beliefs. Instead of focusing on the actions or behaviors of the listener, feelings statements focus on how those actions make the speaker feel (2). Utilize openness and honesty and encourage the use of questions. Understand that when people ask questions, it is their way of increasing their understanding of the concern at hand.
Understanding emotions may show up
For parents, knowing that their child is struggling can elicit a variety of emotions. Making room for emotions within the therapy conversation may be necessary. Just because it makes you mom sad and upset that you want therapy, doesn’t mean that you can’t stand firm in your need for that extra support. When asking for therapy, understand that it is ok that emotions may also show up on your end and this doesn’t make your need any less valid or legitimate.
Do some research
If finding the right words feel complicated, do some research on how to communicate about your experience. For example, if you notice yourself just feeling weird and uneasy all the time, try researching some about anxiety, how it manifests, and its treatment options. Not only does this help you communicate but it also conveys that you are serious about pursuing therapy.
If it doesn’t go so well…
It is our hope that in this day and age, with the amount of mental health awareness there is, that parents would likely be on board, but unfortunately this is not always the case for a variety of reasons both social and cultural. If this is what you experience, know you are not alone, and that there are still options for you to get the help you need. Here’s what to do if you parents are not able to support you in seeking therapy:
If you are struggling and lacking the support of your parents there are resources available including, the Crisis Text Line available in the US, Canada, UK and Ireland at 741741 for free and confidential support. In addition, you can access the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 and in an emergency, you should always dial 911. Alternatively, resources such as school counselors, teachers, and doctors are other avenues of support worth utilizing.
Resources:
https://www.nami.org/about-mental-illness/mental-health-by-the-numbers/
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-are-feeling-statements-425163
