Cognitive Distortions You've Never Heard of (But Probably Use Daily)
Are you guilty of asking your loved ones, “Are you mad at me?” on repeat? Or assuming your partner has definitely died (or fallen out of love with you) if they haven’t texted you back after an hour? Same here!
These pesky little habits are not just a sign of deep adoration or anxiety, they are actually called cognitive distortions, and they can wreak havoc on your life and relationships if you’re not careful.
In this blog post, we’ll learn all about cognitive distortions: what they are, where they come from, and how we can start to shift them.
The Ins and Outs of Cognitive Distortions
At their core, cognitive distortions are your brain's way of trying to protect you– from physical danger (like a car accident) or emotional danger (like rejection). They show up as mental filters or errors in thinking that twist reality.
Cognitive distortions are similar to other protective strategies our brains impose upon us: they often happen completely subconsciously, and stem from past experiences.
While these patterns come from a need for self-protection, they don’t always offer us real safety. On the contrary, they often do more harm than good, especially in your relationships.
What They Are
The American Psychological Association (APA) Dictionary of Psychology defines a cognitive distortion as “faulty or inaccurate thinking, perception, or belief”, and “a normal psychological process that can occur in all people to a greater or lesser extent”. In other words, cognitive distortions are thoughts or beliefs that are not reflective of reality, but feel very real and true to the person experiencing them.
Someone who is experiencing a cognitive distortion truly feels like what they’re thinking is based in fact, even if from an objective lens, it’s unreasonable. Touching back on our first example, let’s say your partner hasn’t texted back and it’s been over an hour. The facts of the situation are mostly unknown to us; we don’t know if they’re asleep, busy, driving, or their phone is dead. But the feeling remains the same: panic, anxiety, and doom. Jumping to conclusions, believing our feelings over facts, and many other less-than-ideal habits all stem from cognitive distortions.
Some of the most common cognitive distortions include:
Catastrophizing: assuming the worst-case scenario is inevitable
All-or-nothing thinking: seeing things as completely good or bad, success or failure
Mind reading: believing you know what someone else is thinking about you
Personalization: blaming yourself for things outside your control
Emotional reasoning: assuming something must be true just because you feel it
Cognitive distortions are patterns, not flaws, and they can subconsciously change the way you interact with the world around you.
Where They Come From
Cognitive distortions often develop in childhood or early adulthood, especially if you experienced environments where you had to be hyper-aware of others’ moods to prevent conflict or prepare for disappointment. They are your brain’s attempt to protect you from pain– even if it’s through irrationality.
Let’s go back to our earlier example: your partner hasn’t texted back in over an hour.
We don’t know the actual facts of the situation. It’s most likely that they're perfectly fine, and nothing about their feelings for you have changed. But instead of waiting calmly for a response, your brain may leap into action: “They’ve died. Or they’re mad at me. Or they’re realizing they don’t love me anymore.”
While that may sound dramatic when said out loud, the feeling is real– and that’s what makes it so convincing. Your brain wants you to be prepared for pain. It believes that if you expect abandonment or disaster, you’ll suffer less when it comes. (Spoiler: it doesn’t really work that way.)
How We Can Start to Shift Them
The good news is, once you start noticing your cognitive distortions, you can start changing them. It’s impossible to expect yourself to never have a distorted thought again (I’m professionally trained to recognize them, and even I still have them), but to build awareness and interrupt the unconscious cycle. Here are some tips to help, using the same example as before:
1. Check the facts.
Ask yourself:
What do I actually know to be true?
“My partner hasn’t answered their phone. That’s it.”
What am I assuming?
“That something terrible has happened.”
Is there another explanation that’s more neutral or likely?
“This is around the time they usually take a nap after work, so they could be asleep. Or their phone could’ve died on the way home and they’re waiting for it to turn on.”
The process of checking the facts helps your brain to at least give some weight to other possibilities, and gives you some space between the emotion and the actual situation.
2. Name the distortion.
Simply putting a label on what your brain is doing can give you distance.
“Oh, I’m catastrophizing.”
“That’s emotional reasoning.”
“This is all-or-nothing thinking again.”
3. Talk back.
Practice responding to the thought in the same way that you would to a friend:
“I know you’re scared, but we don’t have enough information yet to be this panicked.”
At first, self-talk can feel unnatural and awkward, but over time your brain genuinely starts to behave and think differently.
4. Slow the spiral.
If all else fails, stand up, and do something physical. Take a walk, call your friend, do a deep breathing exercise. Do something to remind yourself that just because your emotions make this feel urgent, doesn’t mean it actually is.
Conclusion
Cognitive distortions are an often unconscious and natural experience. They are your brain's way of trying to keep you alert and safe, but they typically cause more harm than good.
Cognitive distortions are common, especially if you've experienced trauma, anxiety, or inconsistent attachment. But they don’t have to ruin your life. With practice, you can start to spot them, challenge them, and build new patterns that actually support your well-being.