What if therapy isn’t about fixing me—but helping me relate to myself differently?
Therapy Isn’t About “Fixing” You
The world of therapy began with deeply pathologizing language and rhetoric around finding a problem for the therapy expert to assist the patient in fixing. We have come a long way since then in our understanding of mental health and best practices for the therapeutic space. In the mid-1900s, what the psychology world calls the ‘third force’ arose and has left a lasting impact on therapists and clinicians alike. The baseline of this ‘third force’ is to view a person holistically and prioritize an understanding of the self.
So, you may be asking yourself, how does this relate to therapy not being able to fix? The answer lies in the third force itself: you aren’t meant to be ‘fixed’ in therapy. You can use the therapy space to heal, gain perspective, set realistic goals, and challenge personal or external expectations. Therapy is a space created for you, by you. You created this opportunity for yourself by being vulnerable, and you can use that hour to focus on whatever feels most top of mind.
Now you may be asking yourself, if I am not coming to therapy to fix myself, what am I doing here? The short answer is that you can guide therapy however you would like. Shifting your perspective from “I am coming to therapy because I am flawed” to “I am coming to therapy to understand myself better” removes self-defeating language and invites self-compassion. Always remember, humans are not perfect, and there is no perfect standard to live up to.
Why Do We Feel Like We Need to Be Fixed?
Another question may have popped up if therapy is not designed to fix, why are so many people coming to therapy feeling like they need to be fixed? In American society, a strong and prevailing measure of success is based on accomplishments, scores, and end products. In addition, success looks like having everything together, being productive, and avoiding mistakes. With these messages, of course, people would feel that something is wrong when experiencing anxiety, sadness, or relationship challenges. Our society has taught us to avoid seeking help when we are struggling because the image of perfection outweighs all. The sad reality is that this leads to thinking in black-and-white terms about whether we are perfect or need fixing, without considering the complexity of being human.
From Fixing Yourself to Growing
After considering the messaging, the desire to fix ourselves is understandable; however, this can create immense pressure. Instead of looking at therapy as a process, this fixing mindset will make every difficult emotion, setback, or challenge feel like evidence that therapy is not working. Therapy and life are not linear, and growth offers a different perspective.
The concept of fixing holds many self-defeating narratives. Fixing assumes something is broken. Fixing focuses on eliminating discomfort. Fixing measures success purely on the reduction of symptoms. And fixing creates unintended pressure for quick results.
In contrast, growth honors humility. Growth looks like assuming you are already worthy, rather than feeling damaged. Growth focuses on understanding experiences rather than on the impossible task of avoiding challenges or discomfort. Growth builds self-awareness and coping skills, making one feel more equipped to handle future stress or obstacles. And growth allows space for setbacks and learning, which is the best way our brains learn. Growth does not mean liking every part of yourself or never wanting to change. Rather, it means approaching change from a place of curiosity instead of criticism.
What Are You Actually Doing in Therapy?
So now you may be wondering, what am I actually doing in therapy? As stated, every therapy room will look different, but common themes prevail in the therapy space. Folks may learn new skills that can help them navigate present or future challenges. The vulnerability of the therapy space invites the development of emotional awareness and a better understanding of self. A therapist may offer alternative perspectives or help point out unhelpful beliefs. Therapy can be an opportunity to talk about or work through recurring patterns in relationships while using the therapeutic relationship as a healthy, supportive test run. One of the most important aspects of therapy is that it is a space to practice self-compassion in a world where it is often not prioritized. Therefore, therapy looks like skill-building, relationship modeling, and empathy for oneself.
What Does Growth in Therapy Look Like?
Okay, so now we’ve gone through the history of fixing, why that shows up, and how a growth mindset looks when adopted in the space. A final question you may wonder about is: How can I see growth in therapy? Examples of what growth in the therapy process looks like include feeling emotions without becoming overwhelmed, setting healthier boundaries, speaking to yourself with more kindness, understanding your needs, and recovering from difficult moments more quickly. The growth mindset emphasizes process over outcomes and highlights all the hard work and intentionality, which are celebrated along the way.
So, what if therapy isn't meant to help you become someone new? What if its purpose is to help you better understand, support, and care for the person you already are? When we let go of the belief that we need to be fixed, we create room for something far more meaningful: growth rooted in self-awareness, self-compassion, and genuine connection with ourselves. Therapy is not about achieving perfection. It is about learning how to meet yourself exactly where you are while continuing to move toward where you want to be.