The Science Behind The “Emotional Hangover”
I just hosted some of my favorite people from out of town, and we had an amazing weekend. I got to spend so much quality time with people I love and don’t see often. I showed them my favorite spots nearby, did arts and crafts with them, and finally got around to doing all the things I’ve been looking forward to and planning. I laughed more than I have in weeks, and felt connected, energized, and happy.
Why, then, did I feel like hot garbage come Monday?
I’m not only physically exhausted, but I also feel like disappearing for a bit. I don’t want to go to my best friend’s birthday dinner planned for Wednesday, I don’t want to answer any of the texts I missed over the weekend, and I definitely don’t want to work. Despite my fantastic weekend, I am both irritable and emotional. So what gives?
Introducing: The “Emotional Hangover”. Not only is this my current state, but it’s a phenomenon I’ve discussed countless times with clients. We had fun, we felt fulfilled, and afterwards… We are beat. The problem is that we tend to assume that if an experience was truly good, we should walk away feeling energized and refreshed. When we don't, we start looking for an explanation of what could’ve possibly gone wrong.
Am I becoming a shut-in? Are those relationships less energizing than I thought? Is it because I’m getting older? Often, the explanation isn’t as personal as we want it to be. It might be less about you, and more about human psychology and our somatic nervous system.
Stress Isn’t Always Stressful
Culturally, we’ve begun to equate the word “stress” with exhaustion, discomfort, or anxiety. We think of stress as something that happens only during obviously difficult times. We hear “I’m under a lot of stress right now” and imagine a demanding week at work, a tumultuous relationship, or a major life change. Those experiences clearly require emotional energy, so it makes sense that they leave us tired.
But we forget that positive experiences require energy, too! For me, a weekend full of connection and joy also meant being around people nonstop, navigating conversations, adapting to other’s preferences, managing expectations, and staying emotionally present. Even the most joyful moments require your brain and body to do a lot of work in the background.
Our brains are constantly processing information, regulating emotions, and helping us adapt to our environment. Did you know that while the brain only makes up about 2% of the body's weight, it uses roughly 20% of the body's energy at rest (Raichle & Gusnard, 2002)? While socializing with our loved ones doesn’t drain energy in the same way physical exertion does, emotional regulation and cognitive processing are still real work happening behind the scenes.
If you’ve ever been on a wonderful vacation, and still felt like you need a day afterwards to recover, this is why. An emotional hangover doesn’t only come when we’ve been working like a dog or driven to our limits by something difficult and uncomfortable. It shows up when our brains haven’t had a chance to truly rest.
The Cure
Many of us (myself included) are accustomed to treating our emotions as logical responses to external stimuli.
Anxiety = There’s a responsibility looming over my head.
Guilt = I did something wrong.
Emotionally drained = ???
If we feel drained after spending time with people we care about, who typically energize us, something must be wrong. Feelings are important, but they require context. They tell us something about our current internal experience, but they don't always tell the factual truth. Maybe I spent the weekend laughing, connecting, being vulnerable, and creating memories. Maybe I was fully present. Maybe those things were exactly what I needed, and at the same time, they required a lot of brain power for a long period of time.
If we want to avoid the emotional hangover, we must first decide whether or not it’s truly something to be avoided. Emotional exhaustion certainly has an impact on us. It makes it harder to do the things we’re supposed to do. It feels physically draining. And, at the same time… sometimes it’s totally worth it.
We would all benefit from expanding our definition of rest, recognizing that it isn't only something we need after suffering or working hard. We also need it after moments of excitement, growth, connection, and change.
Learn to rest more frequently. Instead of telling yourself “I barely got any work done this weekend, why am I feeling so lazy?” ask, "What did my nervous system have to do today?"